Feeling It

See this picture? Voyager is getting attacked. I picked this one for todays entry because the people I know and love are getting attacked.

Not physically, but emotionally. In some way, shape, or form, something has been happening to each and every person I know and love, one by one.

Carissa with the break-up, Myra with the Break-up, Emily with her break-up, Brittani and Mandi and some others dealing with getting their heads bitten off by Emily. Tom with his heartbreak, Kendra with her family and boyfriend problems, our mom and family with her being deployed.

All this seems so small, but small things add up like no other. I hate it. There's lots of crying and depression, and sadness. It's so...dramatically angsty. I'm trying not to be...but...

But the people I love most are getting attacked, and that affects alot. Alot of things, alot of people. Through actions, words, or ministrations it doesn't matter, it affects someone or something.

And that's exactly what this is about. The People I love are getting Attacked and I'm feeling it. I wish it would just go away, but if it were that simple, I would be much happier by now. I'm not the one that should be complaining about these things, but I'm the only one that seems willing. They're the ones getting hurt, and they cry out in their own way, but other than that they try to act like everything is ok. Even though I'm not at the center of most of those problems, I still feel worry, or anxiety over them and I just...can't help it. It sucks, and I wish thoroughly that things can get better soon. Not just for me, but for them. Because if things get better for them, then most likely they will be better for me.

I'm so tired all of the time. I fall asleep almost too instantly and go to bed too early these days. It's so wierd, I don't even know how I end up falling asleep like I do. I think something's wrong. I shouldn't be able to do that. I know it's not sleep deprivation, because hell, like I said, I go to bed way too early and don't wake up till morning...

Mom put lunch money on my card. I was kind of pissed at myself. I didn't mean to make her spend extra money on me just because of a journal entry. I took the money, and am using it as lunch money, but I still feel guilty.

I wonder how she is doing. I know she gets tired alot too...and that she worries about coming home and stuff. I hope she knows I love her alot, and that she'll always be doing things right in my eyes. I miss her alot, and I know everybody else does too. Once she's back, I think...I hope everything will be better for everyone.

I'm so effing tired. I woke up from sleeping at ten, and I forced myself to get up and do something. It's unnatural. Anyway, it's about ten twelve right now, and I think that's sufficient. I'm going back to bed.

I hope you all had fun doing what you did tonight, and I hope that if you're in pain, it'll be better, and if you're not in pain, then I hope you don't have to feel any for as long as humanly possible.

Loving you all,
J.H.

Life's the Enemy

I don't know what's wrong anymore. When did it start, how did it happen?

All I know, is that I'm sick of the same thing. I'm sick of pretending. It was easier to not feel so trapped when Mom was here, or Crystal. But...they aren't here.

I miss mom so much. It's hard to think about sometimes, and the only thought that keeps me sane around here, is that she'll be home in about a month and a half.

I hate pretending that everything's ok with dad. It's so clear that it's not. But then again, he's too blind to see that his children's orientation isn't exactly straight, and he's pracitcally read that on paper.

I don't know where today ends and tomorrow begins, and I don't know what minute has passed or where it's going. It's so futile anymore, that I just try to focus on school, and enjoying the activity's that I can do.

Suzie's gonna be gone for about nine days. Brother's wedding I think. So there that goes.

Myra and I...we didn't talk about what happened...but I was being civil towards her. I know that in my eyes, she made a mistake but..for the sake of everyone, and even for ourselves, I think I shouldn't let that taint my vision of her. She's still an awesome person.

Mom says she's getting tired of the monotony. Welcome to my life. I have a few ideas for her. She could try scrapbooking, or writing letters, or going out to new places, or starting some sort of project. There's tons she can do, and I hope she finds something to occupy her time.

Crystal says she's doing fine. But then again, when has that statement rung true for her. Something like this...it can't bring good for her. I know there will be other relationships in her life (to quote my mother) but this one...was special...was crucial. At least to her. And I would agree. In the times of college, especially being in her position, Myra was like her life. Her anchor, her motivation behind every single F****** thing she did. It got her through the day. What with the upcoming Homecoming Dance, that she and Myra had made plans to. Now...well..now it's gone. I don't know who she has held onto so far. Andy I think, but I hope something or someone good happens to her to take things in a different direction. Preferrably in a positive one.

I'm still writing my stories. They're not getting posted until I have at least four chapters written, and then I'll post them one at a time, for leisure. I hope it's good, and I sent a copy of the first chapter of my story to Dawn, to look at. She is after all, an English teacher, my friend, and a certain someone's "Mistress" (she knows who she is)

I have no lunch money. Grr. My stomach is growling, but I know I can make it at least a few more weeks before I ask for more. Dad doesn't need to be asked for any right now. He's got enough on his mind. I can deal. It's not like my belly fat can't feed me for a few weeks. I've got enough of it.

Anyway on that subject, I'm still walking. I don't remember if I mentioned that yet, but if I haven't I still am. Also reading too. I've begun that back again. I've just finished Star Trek: Spirti Walk, Old Wounds, Book Two. I know for sure that the authoress (Christie Golden) will be publishing another, and I'm trying to look out for that one. It's a really really good story so far, and I can't put it down. She's a great author and I can only hope to be as good as her someday.

Well, I'm tired, and worn. I gotta go to bed. I love you all and I wish you a good night.

Love,
Jere

Today

Alright, from now on, I guess I'm going to stop using the "f " word so much, per instructions by....someone. Instead I shall be using "Effing" lol.

Anyway, on with the other stuff.

Andy stopped by the high school today, right at the end of the day. He is so effing thin! I didn't know he'd lost so much weight. I'm suprised Crystal didn't tell me. I'm kind of jealous...even if I've only started working at it, he's so thin. I couldn't believe it.

On that subject...when he came, Myra tottally blew me off like I didn't matter to her. I think that it was because of our fight...but...I can't be sure why she'd still be mad at me for that. She looks so tired and drained. I just wish I'd never said anything to her. That way maybe I'd still be as important to her as Andy. Maybe I'm over-reacting, because she might have just been happy to see a friend she doesn't get to very often...but I don't know. Maybe I worry too much. Over-analyze.

Today is the day dad and I travel down to lawrence to go to Crystal's college family weekend. I have no homework that isn't easy and I'm glad. I don't need that ontop of going to some event. But I am glad that I'll be seeing Crystal!!! We'll talk and work things out and all that stuff.

I'm still walking every night...although I'm seeing a little bit of result, I still want to work harder. Andy's weight loss inspired me. Iff he can get that done in so little time from graduation, then so can I. It's so wierd, cause I'm used to seeing him in one way and then he shows up another. I wish my changes would hurry up and be as drastic!!! Oh well...the best things come to those who wait for it right?

Today the constitution assembly was just as I expected. Cheap, corny, and uninteresting. Laurelin was a man in the show. lol. She had to wrap her boobs to her chest.

Kori dyed her hair brown! It looks good, but it takes some getting used to. Like when Robin dyed her hair brown after we were used to it being blonde. But the way she wears it is so CUTE!!! She's always so adorable now...but she's still trying to work out in her mind what she believes about God and stuff.

Home life is still alright. I think I might have to mow the big big lawn sometime soon. I hope I don't have to though because that takes me about 3 hours every effing time. I enjoy the thinking time but that is what my walks are for (aside from losing wieght!)

I haven't heard from Grandma Carol in a while, and I was hoping we could all go do something, but I'm not sure what her schedule is. I love grandma carol (Random I know) and Clara!!!

School's alright. Today in journalism we did absolutely NOTHING! It was so boring. If I didn't have any friends in that class I'd effing die. Biology is killing me. It's kind of dumb, and I don't even get it. It's pretty pointless to me I think. Also geometry, we actually did something cool today. There are these number sheets that she gives us, and they're puzzles that you have to use clues to fill in the blanks. It's really time-consuming, but in a fun way. I wonder if they make books of them...like crossword puzzles...oh wait, I'm starting to sound like a geek!

Emily came in to school late this morning. She looked like hell. Excuse me, but that's the only way I can put it. It's looking like she isn't going to get over Alex anytime soon. Her hair was all ratty and messed up, and she was wearing sunglasses, and the sun wasn't out, and she wore jeans that were a few days old, rumpled. I feel really bad for her. Alex really needs to be killed. I know he didn't think about her...but when do they ever when they're in the middle of breaking your heart? Months of her life were wasted because of him, and she can never get them back.

Speaking of love lives, I don't have one. Lol, obvious yes, but I just thought I'd let you all know....again...

Well, I better be off people. Dad should be coming home, and I haven't even started packing yet!!!! *YIKES*

Loving you all,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Jeremie

I'm really tired

I'm really tired. I got back from my walk not too long ago. I ran the last leg of it. I know I shouldn't be this tired, but somehow I am. It's so wierd. I think I'm going to read a few chapters in my book and then go to bed.


Anyway, school's going ok. Although tomorrow we're having a messed up schedule because of some stupid constitution play thingy. It's going to be dumb.

Creative writing is picking up, along with newspaper. Which is really good, otherwise I would have had to go and complained to the teachers or the office or something. We did story starters in creative writing, which was kind of pointless because it didn't even make a good story starting process. Mine are much better. In newspaper I'm currently covering O.C.C points, and also a movie review: Red eye. I loved that movie. But anyway. In geometry we did a test review today, which I guess means that we have a test coming up pretty soon here. Which..I probably won't study for. French 2 is fucking hard. We had this packet this week and I barely got any of it done. It sucked. I hated it so badly. Newby's biology class is having a sub tomorrow. I'm starting to see why my mother hated Biology so much. It's kind of pointless. In Hutter's english class, we're reading "Lord of the Flies"....yeah...don't expect to see that one on my favorite's list anytime soon.

Home life today wasn't so bad. Dad came home at a decent time, and he cooked steak. I helped peel the potatoes (not by choice of course) and then I went back downstairs to watch Will & Grace. But then *Gasp* My fucktard television was being really dumb, and that channel didn't come in. So therefore, I didn't get to watch my will & Grace. After the fabulous dinner of Steak, I went out for a walk. I'm really proud of myself for keeping up with it for this long. I also think I'm starting to see a little bit of results. Could be my imagination, but oh well, a guy could dream right?

This friday is Crystal's Family Weekend thing. It's supposed to be fun, and we are going to a concert on friday. A Performing arts group or whatever. I think that will be a good time. Plus I miss Crys like no other.

I think myra's pissed at me. I sort of got into it with her a while back, and now it doesn't feel the same....oh well, I'll get over it.

Oh! Mom called today! It was fun. We talked for like an hour. It was a good time and it kept me distracted for a while. Which is always good. I miss her like crazy and can't wait for her to come home.

Anyway, as the title says, I'm really tired. So people I'm going to bed.


love you all,
Jeremie

Well...wtf?

This is so fucking stupid. I'm so...I don't know...angry. Crystal and Myra are going through a rough patch right now. Or at least that's what it would seem. See I don't know and they don't know. Why? Lack of fucking communication. God damn. If only Myra wasn't so god damn stubborn.

I'm worried. Because if this ends, then something great, and wonderful, and really influential in my life will have ended. The same goes for them. The world it seems, or at least our worlds, will have lost something great. I hope Myra fucking realizes that.

It's just so stressful, to both me and Crystal. I know I shouldn't be bothering myself with it, that I should wait it out, on the sidelines while they do what they need to....but I just...can't. I'm Crystal's brother and that makes me feel like I got some sort of duty to her...to her happiness...to her relationship.

Maybe I'm just being dumb. I don't know. I'm just so fucking tired of life right now. I can't seem to escape things. I know it sounds so god damn selfish of me....but I can't just...keep going on empty. It seems like nothing keeps me happy anymore. Like my life is falling to shreds.

I hate to admit this. But I'm starting to think that Crystal was right when she told me I couldn't handle things alone. I remember what she said. "I'm scared to go to college. Not for myself but for you. I worry about you Jeremie. I worry about how you'll handle yourself with me and mom gone. All you're going to have is dad and Robin. That's it. I'm not going to be able to be here for you like I have."

Everything's fine except me. I'm holding up in school, cause shit that's easy. I'm holding up a relationship with my father, and I'm keeping up with housework. It's just me. Was that what she meant when she left? That she feared I would go back to being a recluse like I used to be? That I would crumble without some sort of support system, that only she and mom and friends have been able to provide for me? Two out of three is gone from that support system, in the immediate vicinity. What does that make me then? Weak?

I told her I could do it. I told her I can handle things plenty fine on my own. I can. and I try.

Thanks for lettin me vent people.

Jere

Somebody save me

Hello Everyone. I'm updating again. It's for the sake of Crystal mostly. Anyway I'm tired. I feel like writing though. Haven't eaten a thing, which is ok since I'm fat enough.

I just feel kinda down and I don't know why. It's so wierd. I had to go outside and smoke a cigerette just to feel better. It doesn't matter though, there's people worse off out there than me.

I don't have much to report. I barely have anything to do for school, and if creative writing doesn't start picking itself off it's ass, then I'll think about transferring. It's bullshit. We haven't written anything yet and I'm starting to get tired of writing on worksheets about "Sensory Details" and "Feeling Sheet" It's all the same drabble.

Home is alright. I gotta mow the damn lawn again. The grass is growing faster than a fire grows with wood. It's fucking tiring. I just decided to fuck my walk this evening. I didn't feel like walking tonight. But I'm making up for it by not eating. So I don't feel so bad. Dad's still at church so it's not like he'll ever know.

Nothing in my love life. Big suprise there. I'm not even sure my friends are there to sustain me anymore. I know Tarin is, all the damn way. But she's got goof now. They're happy together. It might not just be me, and the days are getting lonelier. And colder, god damn you cheap bastard turn on the heat. Oh never mind.

I know this was short, but like I said, not much to report. I will talk to anyone who wanted to later. Goodnight, Goodbye.

Love,
Jeremie





Pictured: Eliza Dukashu, Tru Calling

I'm updating Ho

Ain't my family a bunch o' tough looking bitches? Well except Uncle James. He a stoner. They never fight. Unless you take their bong away. Then you better run the fuck away. But the rest of them are...Except for Randi...and...Jake. But seriously, the rest of them. Are. lol.

Anyway, I'm getting off subject. I'm updating hoes, be effing happy.

I'm doing ok pretty much. I've been doing a walking routine every single effing day. Twice back and forth up the straight rode and once on the side road. I run the side road home. God that fucking kills me. I'm seeing improvments I think though. So it's all good. I got the idea from when Crystal said she was loosing weight like a mo'fo when walking.

Home life is alright. Althouh, dad keeps telling me he can't wait for me to settle down with a nice christian woman. I'm like uh...no. And tonight over the pizza box, he was like "Jeremie, please, I hope you'll do better in life than me. Get a better job, lots more money, a good wife, good kids." And as I smile and nod, I think..."Do you honestly know how many things were wrong with that sentence?

School is ok. I barely get anymore homework that I take seriously. Whenever I do get homework it's usually from Mrs. Johnson and I usually just finish it in other classes.

I'm in the beginnings of writing a novel-sized story I hope. It's just about...well stuff that's happened to me I guess. I'm postin it on my freewebs account. I've only got the first chapter done but I think it's a pretty good start. I love writing. Oh and speaking of which, tomorrow in creative writing, we're finally starting to do some serious pieces. Thank the queer lord jesus for that. And journalism is finally starting to try and get the stories and photos done.

So, anyway, I'm writing emails to mom and Dawn, and I'm having fun (as much as I can in this suck-ass place) and I'm trying to get through each day.

(P.S. I don't think it's just me, but it seems like Kendra comes in wearing a different hair style everyday, and if she could a different color. She died it dark dark brown, and she either curls or it or wears it straight or whatever. It's irritating...i'm not so sure it even looks good.)

Well, I gotta go, but I hope you all enjoyed this update. Thanks again Lezzies and Mo's bitches and hoes.

Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Jere

Hello

What's up ladies and Gentleladies? I'm just hangin out in my room and checkin my email and all of that good stuff.

Not much to report here. It's really boring in Rose Hill Kansas and especially since this weekend, I'm going to another stupid fucking football game. I hate the damn things. You just sit there and listen to the cheers and yells of those stupid people (most of the time ugly) and you watch some big jock fucks run around on a field touching eachother and pushing eachother and all that shit. It's fucking dumb and I hate it.

Anyway, allergies (or cold or whatever, haven't figured it out) is kicking my sorry ass. I'm sniffling and sneezing and have watery eyes and a huge fucking headache. I just am into relaxing right now, because it's one of the only things I can do without making it worse.

Myra and I went over to suzies. She got a new couch, which matches her old love seat. Now she has a three seater couch with that old two seater to the right, up against the window. We had a good time. As soon as we got there, we popped in "Monster in Law" and watched it up until Myra was like, "Og, we gotta go, before it gets to the good part, cause if it does get to the good part I will be forced to stay and watch it." We got java and I gave myra gas money, some of which she used on cigerettes. I had even asked her to split the gas money with me cause I was running lower than her, and she was like "No I gotta get cigs"

Tomorrow I have an eyeglasses appointment and dad is forcing me to wake up at the usual 6/6:30 time. It fucking sucks. He's all, "You're only getting thirty more minutes of sleep." I'm like, so, dude that's fucking precious to me. Oh well, at least I don't have an 8:30 lecutre...lol. Love you crys.

Gotta roll out, Holla atcha later playa.

Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Jere