As only Love can do

No picture this time, sorry. I just didn't have one that would fit my mood. Mainly because I don't know what my mood is.



I talked to Derrick today. I was the one to initiate the contact. I told him that I was done being his friend and that I expected nothing further from him. And as he seems to always be able to do, he responded and changed my feelings.



Believe me, I have far from forgiven him for past atrocities. But what if such atrocities were only made more traumatizing by my own mind. Sometimes I think I just wanted to hate him so that I didn't have to feel love for him. Oh yes, I have hated him. For months I had thought of him as heartless and forgetful, and even in my love had hated and despised him at moments, as only love can hate and despise.


He said that he has no excuse other than, that is just the way he communicates with all of his friends. He likes to believe that unless they voice problems with him, that there isn't any. I wish so badly to believe. I found out today that he and Alex broke up. Alex dumped him again, just as I said he would. Instead of feeling the justified revenge I always thought I would, when the time came, I felt pity and remorse for him.


I don't truly hate him. Though I have been through much pain because of him. I only wish him happiness. Which is harder for me to admit than you might think. Sometimes I believe that I am too nice. In fact most of the time I am. I am angered by that fact, but more than that, I can't help but to selfishly wonder: when will it be my turn?


When will it be my turn to experience love from somebody who loves me and wants me? When will I get the same effort put into a relationship that I give to it? I don't know the answer to these questions. What's more, I don't know if I can ever really truly trust Derrick again. But some part of me will always care for him. Some part of me will always be ready to hand him my heart.


I've just got to work on putting that part of me away.


-J-