Between the Lines

The title is from Sara Bareilles' "Between the Lines". Ok and I'm pretty sure that most of you are tired of hearing about Derrick. For that I am sorry. It is what's going on in my life right now, though I am working on trying to make that different.


That song describes perfectly what I feel for Derrick. Not for him, about him actually. You know, I think I'm actually to the point where it's not about him loving me anymore. I want to be friends with him, but friends don't treat friends like shit.


Like I said in a previous (and more dramatic) post, he has gotten back together with his ex boyfriend...er...boyfriend...whatever. And it's been 25 days since we have talked. And he doesn't know we're not talking. Because he hasn't called or texted or messaged me.

Part of me is thankful for that. I don't know if I would have the strength to turn him away if he contacted me. But he hasn't, and so this has been pretty easy, because I can stay mad at his dumb ass. I just have to make it to 60 days without contact and I think that'll be the beginning of letting myself have the life I really deserve.

Oh and let's not get confused here, I'm not just sitting and counting the days and wishing for some sort of miracle. No I'm doing things. I'm trying to get back into the swing of exercising. I had to stop briefly for the play (Oh the things I do for theatre!), and just the other day I applied at the gap in Bradley Fair. I think that went exceedingly well. So I exagerate. I think it went pretty good.

I'm just hoping this isn't another dead end for me.

May is a busy time for me. I've got the senior class trip coming up, and I've got graduation and prom is this weekend! Oh jesus. Time has just flown. I have only about ten days left of actual school and then I'm done. Can you f***ing believe it? I can't. The 22nd is my birthday. People know sure, but I'm going to be on the edge of my seat wondering if dumb ass will notice. Should I care?

Probably not. Do I? Fxck yes. Another of his fuck ups I can add to the list I'm sure.

You know I bash him, but really? He isn't that bad of a person on principle. I'm not going to downplay his many and glorious faults. Because god knows i see them. But he's just human. That's something I've got to remember in this. He's the protagonist of his own story and he wants to find true love just like I do. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean me for him.

The Theater Banquet is on Friday may 9th and OMG, I'm up to my tits in invitations and flowers and tool. Ugh. AND my board sucks and so that's all going to hell. Anyways, that's just another thing on my calendar.

You know I'm not sure what I'm going to do for my 18th bday. I want to go out, yeah. But I haven't been to the club and already it's over-rated. Like I hear it's no big deal. Anyway it's like this big right of passage dealy. So I guess I should go.

I've been learning to become more independent. Or at least preparing myself to be. I don't want to have to rely on anyone once I get to KU. My sister will be leaving in a year, and my 'best friend' and I barely speak anymore because of her busy schedule. Sometimes I think that my life would be better off without some of the people in it.

I am really big into friendships, but no one I'm friends with is really a great friend to me. It's always me giving and giving and giving, but I never really get anything back. There are exceptions, but for the most part, through this whole thing with Derrick, I've had no one to talk to.

I don't know. Maybe if I opened up to them they would listen, but they're all so busy with their own shit. I think that's why I come here more often...cause it's the only chance I get to really be myself, and talk about whatever I feel like talking about. You know?

I'm trying to figure out life again, when I thought I already had it figured out and that's the hardest thing I've done so far. Accepting that what I thought was reality, what I thought was my future and my perception of things just wasn't exactly right. I've got a lot more growing to do, that's for sure. This experience proves it.

I just hope I can survive the learning process.

Between The Lines lyrics

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause i cant continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other

So i've learned to listen through silence
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me i'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines