Heal me

Ain't it crazy? For a moment there, this felt just like diein'. But now I see, there's something inside, that's coming alive. Ain't it crazy?


Those words are the words of a woman filled with genius, someone who is always there for me and I can't count on. Melissa Etheridge.


Tonight was very emotional for me and very uplifting all at the same time. For the past few weeks I've been in a daze, I've been living like I was dying, all because of how I felt for Derrick. I was miserable because I didn't think he could ever love me.


On Valentines day I told him that I was in love with him - over facebook. Dumb bitch move, I realize. But I did tell him and that's what matters to me. I've been freaking out ever since about how he'd react and what was going to happen next. When it happened, I was going nuts, thinking I'd turned everything inside out and fucked things up.


Tonight however, Yace came to visit me. Well mom and I, but at about 11 I felt like I would go nuts and so I needed to talk to someone. I love Yace and she's been there for me before, so we went out for coffee. We talked about an array of things and I spilled everything to her about Derrick.


She knew exactly how I felt and I never realized how much in common we really have. She gave me a gift that I can't repay right now, which is the fact that she put things into a whole new perspective for me.


I'm no more optomistic about Derrick than I was before we talked, but I am more optomistic about my life. She really understands what I'm going through and she made me understand that I have to let go of him.

We're in two different places in our lives and he and I don't have a chance right now. Even if he did like me, even if he wasn't in a relationship with Alex there are still things we both need to learn about our own lives.


I'm not ready for a relationship, and although I've been ready for a chance at love for the past 4 years, I know I'm not going to get what I'm looking for quite yet. The people around me and people in life generally are not where I'm at emotionally, not at my age anyway.


If anything she's given me hope that I will find that someone out there that CAN make me happy. You know why? Because I fucking deserve it.


So I just want to say, I'm in a much better place, and all that's left is getting to the right place with Derrick. Letting him go, and being just his friend again. Then I can move on with my life.


I thought my world would end if he didn't love me back, and it felt just like dying.


But now I see.


I'm going to be fine.


Much love,

-J-