This one's Gonna Hurt Like Hell

I'm laughing in that picture. I think that's why I chose it.

Life is in the air. The winds of change are not the only winds that exist. The winds of love, lust, heartbreak and sorrow are also blowing. Breezing in and out of peoples lives and touching them in ways that the outcomes are unforseen.

Today was a good day, I think. I woke up, and Derrick and I watched an episode or two of queer as folk. Then he left and I got ready to go to lawrence to see my sister and so my mom could get her hair done.

We both ended up getting our hair done and then we went and ate dinner at this place called paisonos...I think that's how you spell it. Anyway, it's basically Olive Garden. It was suprisingly delicious
.

Then I went with mom to Charlies, the bar that my sister works at. It was cute, if not ghetto. Had a cig with Joce and talked with a nice (if not drunk) lady named Patty who works at KU. It was fun to meet those people and see where Carissa spends her nights and some of her days.

I called Derrick when I got into town.

Oh Derrick. I don't know what to do with myself. I've always had a crush on him, but I'm shy. I need to know people before I would ever consider a relationship with them and Alex got to him before I did.

God, I say 'got to him' as if he's some door prize to win or something. But the thing is, I don't know that Derrick or Alex has had any other relationship than each other. Their first boyfriends. And they end up breaking up two years and an apartment later.

Derrick is a really great guy, and my feelings for him have always lain dormant because he had a boyfriend. Sure, there was always the flare of unprecedented jealousy when he mentioned Alex, or bought him a cute piece of jewelry he saw that reminded him of Alex. But I always controlled it because it looked like they were in it for the long haul.

And now this. I'm not doing anything either. Not sure I ever will. Because he needs someone just to be his friend right now. He just needs some support where there otherwise is none.

Back to tonight.

We went to this cute little tea cafe. It was a groundhog day party and he'd bought two tickets (I'm assuming one for him and one for alex) and he didn't want to go alone. It was a shope the size of a small starbucks, and it was pretty much full. He stood in the corner with me and talked about the cute guys that were in there. And all the while I just wanted to slap him. Wake him up and tell him that I'm here, that there's nothing I can't offer him.

But that makes me sound like a high school girl, and quite frankly a little crazy. I'm really not you know. Anyway, I got free tea (ew. I drank it cause that's all they had) and some cookies and some weird sausage burger thingy. The owner of the shop's mother gave a cute little speech about ground hog day and it was funny.

Afterwards, we went to go get my car which we left at this dance studio near the tea shop. And we got lost. Both of us SUCK at directions, especially downtown. I was freaking out inside because I'd gotten lost before and it was not fun...but all the while I couldn't stop thinking about how I wouldn't want to be there with anyone else...going to a tea shop when I hate tea and getting lost in a car with no heat, downtown.

I feel so stupid. I hate crushes, I hate lust, I hate love. It gets me no where; gets me nothing. Nothing except a cold bed and a missing piece of my life. Maybe this is all supposed to be some cosmic lesson. That can be interpreted in several ways: 1) I should just give up on the idea of love and just fuck. 2) I need to be more independent and not worry about love 3) I'm stupid and should just forget all about everything I think I know about these things.

I know I'm being dramatic really. But just bear with me here. I just need to vent. This is where I come to do my venting since I don't have any friends that would really understand or wouldn't try to give me some dumb ass advice.

I come because I know that most of the time people don't read this, and it's like I'm sending a message out to an electronic friend. A void that can be found in cyberspace.

Anyway. It's cold and it's 1 a.m. and I've got church in the morning.

So goodnight dear void.

-J-