Not a boy, Not yet a man

Two days ago I turned 18. As I expected, I didn't feel much different. I spent the prior evening with two good friends and on midnight of my birthday we went to wal-mart and bought popsicles and cigarettes. Also as I expected, Derrick didn't call or text and still hasn't for that matter.

I guess he's too busy being happy with Alex. Anyway. So the day of my birthday, I went on a trip with my mother to Minnesota, where her girlfriend lives currently. It was a long trip and I slept through most of it.

We got here and it's been great. We've played video games watched movies, been out eating. And tonight we decided to go clubbing. My first night of clubbing. It was...not what I was expecting. We went to this bar called the 'Saloon'. It was an exclusively gay guy bar. Don't get me wrong it was neat looking and there were lots of cute boys, but I just didn't feel...good enough. I was wearing a blue t-shirt with an argile sweater vest and blue jeans. That complete with my glasses probably made me look like a nerd. And on top of that I was with my mother.

But getting to the deeper issue here...I felt so out of place. I think it was a combination of the above and the fact that I was in a strange town that I didn't live in and I didn't know anyone else there besides my mom and her girlfriend. I also know it was because I'm not confident in myself. Everyone there must have had a size 0 waist and a hot toned body. Suffice it to say, I do not. I felt like some kind of fat imposter. You know?

I don't know, maybe it will get better but right now I know I'm so not ready to be in any kind of relationship and that I'm not totally happy with myself despite what I've been telling myself. I'm not horrid, in fact I've seen worse. But I'm not to the level I know I can be at and it sucks to realize that I've let myself just become this person I don't want to be. In a way it was a good thing. It motivates me even more to work out and get into shape.

I just don't want to be uncomfortable in my own skin anymore and that's what it boils down to.
I couldn't help but think about Derrick and how if we were still friends and he still talked to me, that we would have had a great time! Talking about people, pointing out cute guys, and dancing together. Part of me wants to be friends, but part of me knows that I'll always want something more from him. I ask myself: Can't I sacrifice the yearning for his company? Can't I sacrifice my true desires so I can finally talk to him.

I know what the Super Diva Queen inside of me would say: "Honey no. If he isn't willing to even talk to you about your problems, he doesn't deserve you." But there is another side of me. The friend to him side of me, that remembers all the good times we've had together and thinks about all the good things about him. They urge my Super Diva Queen side of me to forget all the times I've hurt these past 50 days, all the times I've hurt in the span of our friendship.

I have so many conflicting emotions about him, myself, my image, my life. And even if it was a crappy one, right now?

It would be great to have a friend. Any friend.

-J-