And it's so beautiful when the boy smiles...

That's Ian, my little brother. He's at my grandparent's house (on my father's side) and he is propped up on the couch, though it looks like he is sitting up by himself. Everyone says he looks so much like me when I was a baby, and I see the resemblence when I look in pictures.


It's so weird to say that I have a baby brother. I never thought I would be a big brother to anyone. I've enjoyed being the baby of the family. Except I'm not anymore. I'm looking forward to all the things I'll be able to teach and share with him. I just...don't want him to live the same life I have.


If I could there a few things I would change in my life...well scratch that, I wouldn't but sometimes it would be nice. I say I wouldn't change the certain things because they are the exact things that make me different, and make me...me.


For the past few days I have been wondering what I will do once the "Sixty Day He-Tox" is over. I thought about adding Derrick back as a friend on facebook. I thought about calling him or texting him.


I've decided to do none of those things. Instead I'm opting to do a little experiment. I already know he doesn't really care for me. I want to see how long it takes before he gets in touch with me. It's my birthday today...will I get a text from him? a call? I don't know. I can't answer it if I do. But I'll admit that I don't even know his birthdate.


I know the experiment is juvenile and really rather pointless. However I think love does that to you. I think it distorts your views on what is right and what is stupid. Because love makes you vulnerable and it makes you blind. Oh I'm sure I don't have much experience in a relationship but I've observed and I've loved. Even if that love was one sided.


So anyway on to other more important topics. I'm 18. I'm officially allowed to have sex, vote, smoke, watch pornographic movies (not that I would do half of that stuff...) but hey, I'm allowed to. And just being able to say that is like WOAH.


I've decided that I like antiques. Each item has it's own little story to tell. It has personality and charm. It's crazy, but as I was shopping with my Aunt this weekend for a present for her soon-to-arrive grandchild and my future neice/nephew, I came across this book that had an inscription in it: "To our Darling children, may you enjoy many hours of reading!" and it was signed. It was beautiful. I was going to buy it...and yet somehow I couldn't bring myself to...intrude on another's life. You know? Weird huh? So I've concluded that I like to go to antique shops. *sigh* I'm so gay.


OoH! I got a job! at the Gap in Bradely Fair. I get paid $** an hour and I start sometime in the first weekend of june. I'm so happy to finally be getting back on track. It feels like I'm taking responsibility and control of my own future again. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right, and it makes me want to do more! Like exercise on a regular basis. (still working on that one). Soon I will be this Fabulous Glamazon and all the boys will throw themselves at my feet...Well...a boy can dream.


I'm going to Minnesota this weekend to visit my mother's girlfriend. It should be pretty exciting considering I now get to go to some dance clubs. At least that's what I'm hoping. But it'll be good to see her (my mom's girlfriend). She's been like a mother to me these past few months that I have known her. And already we've had so much laughter and adventure in our everyday routine. Really it is amazing.


Once fall rolls around, I will be joining the big sis and parading around campus as a KU Jayhawker (although my mother's girlfriend would rather see me in MU colors, come august). And that is scary/exciting. It's the change that bothers me. But I just have to get used to it I suppose. I feel like that plump and slightly shiny young freshman boy that was entering high school not long ago.


Oh how time flies.