Testing - 1,2,3

Today I called in to a free health clinic to get tested...and they were closed. I don't know wether to be relieved or pissed. I know people keep telling me that I'm going to be fine, and that I'll probably be negative...and I wish I was as confident as them.

I looked up the Clinic information again, to get the right address, phone number, and business hours. It felt so surreal...that this all could be happening to me. I'm sure that if I'm positive, things will definitly change. Right now I should be on my knees praying to god, or bhudda, or somebody. But i can't bring myself to. I can't bring myself to make this more real to me than it is.

I cleaned for most of my evening. Cleaned my bathroom, my room. Top to bottom. Then I exercised, shaved, expholiated my face, and brushed my teeth. What would be the point though, if I am soon to get a positive result?

What the test results will be, I can not tell you. But what I can tell you is this: I will leave this experience, positive or negative, having learned something. I will learn that even though I think I have an infinite amount of tomorrows, and a shield of invincibility...I do not have either of those things. I will work to enjoy what I have, instead of complaining about what I don't have, because I didn't have to work to survive life.

If there is some higher power up there then maybe this is a test. Maybe this is a wake up call. One to tell me that I'm not getting everything out of life, or thankful for what I have, and this is the punishment. Not necessarily being positive, but being scared. Scared for my life.

So I am making an appointment tomorrow for 5:00 on Monday October 16. I'm glad someone is going with me. I'm sure I could find the place on my own, with enough time and patience, but I need the moral support.



Anyway, I have to go, but I just want to say...
Thank you,
To all of you who listen, give me advice, and encouragement.

-Queen Trixie J.D. the First-

These are my confessions

This is Vic Grassi. He played an HIV positive man on Queer as Folk. He died in a later episode while sitting in his living room watching television.

I'm getting tested this week. My friend Suzie is taking me. When I was younger something happened that I really don't want to talk about. But yeah, now I'm going to get tested.

I'm getting tested and I'm scared shitless. I have a friend whom I recently met online, and he says I should not start going crazy, I should just wait patiently and level-headedly for the results to come in...so why do I feel like, even now, I'm already a gonner?

People I've talked about this to, have all told me not to worry, because I haven't started showing any signs of being positive. But that doesn't mean anything. A Man went ten years without showing any signs of HIV/Aids and he still had it.

I don't want to die. I'm not ready for that. A part of me thinks I'm being a little over-dramatic...but what if I'm not? What if the test results come back, and you all were being under-dramatic?

I know in this day and age, HIV/Aids doesn't mean the same thing as it used to, but to me it does. To me, the reading of the test results, and them being positive would mean a warrant out for my death.

I don't know what I'd do if I am positive. I do know that I'd at least think about suicide...but I would never do it.

Shit...I don't know anymore....

Wish me luck?

-Q. T.-

Halloween - eck

I'm trying to decide what I want to wear for halloween. I'm Vice President of the Drama Club, and so I'm hosting the halloween party at my house this year. Of course under the right circumstances, it would be the bash of the year. But the circumstances are this: the drama club people will be there, not just my friends, my parents will be there, and we're all underage. Lol. Oh I know that sounds bad, but come on, think about it. It's basically like a school controlled dance if you want to get technical. So I'm sitting here trying to think of 1) what I want to wear to it, and 2) what decorations/music/food I want there.

So far, I've come up with two options that won't get tottally guffawed at the party. 1) V from V for Vendetta. 2) a Warlock/Wizard. I know corny, but I'm going to be something so much better for my personal halloween party. A sexed up devil. tehehe

Anyway, I gotta get back to planning this thing or I'm toast.

That's all.

Signed

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First