Shattered

At three A.M. on Monday April 21st, my heart shattered into a million little pieces.

At three A.M. on Monday April 21st I found out that he's dating his ex again.

At three A.M. on Monday April 21st I found out that I'm not stronger than the pain.

At three A.M. on Monday April 21st I forgot how to breathe, and didn't want to start again once I remembered how.

I can't sleep, want to vomit, scream, yell, pull out my hair, get stoned or drunk...or both, smoke a pack of cigarettes. I want to run out into the street. I want to call him and let him hear the gun shot. I want to wake up the world.

Instead I sit silently downstairs, typing on my blog.

It's all in my head.

Well. Here I am. I don't really know what to say. I know what I want to say. I want to call him right this very moment even though I know he won't answer, and I want to yell and scream and cry.


The toughest part of the whole thing is acceptance. I want to accept that this is happening. I can't. Or I'm not letting myself.


I've read this book called, "It's called a break up because it's broken." and it has really helped me, but at the same time, no one book has the power to make anyone just up and change their mood about something like this.


In the book, the author(s) suggest a sixty day "he-tox", and you have no contact with your ex for 60 days. I'm on day 12. And I want to cry. I want to call and ask what's going on, I want to be a part of his life. I want to know what's going on with him. I want to be able to breathe again.


Every morning, when I'm driving alone in my car, I think about him. 'Its just a short drive up the road' I tell myself. 'You can squeeze in a quick hello.' But I never do. I always chicken out at the last moment and tell myself it's for the better.


Maybe it is. It probably is. But that doesn't make it any less hard. The night before I started reading the book I took the first step of the ''he-tox'' without even knowing it. I had gone onto his facebook and saw that he was listed as being in a relationship.


Oh god I don't even want to talk about the sharp stabbing pain that I felt go through me at that moment. I wanted to rip my eyes out. I was so angry! How dare he not tell me that he had a boyfriend? Wasn't I supposedly his best friend?


And that's when it hit me. I wasn't his best friend. I probably wasn't anything more than an aquaintance to him. The night he got broken up with by his ex, he called me after not having talked to me for at least a month, saying that I was the only one that was there for him.


Later on down the road, he and I would always do something on the weekends, and I felt special. But then recently I was talking to my mom's girlfriend and she said ''You know he's probably been using you right? And the reason he won't talk to you is because he's guilty and he knows on some level that all he has been doing is using you?" and I didn't want to hear it but I knew.


On some level I've always known he was a user. That's what he is. A user. He uses people to get what he wants. I hate so much to think of this one person, who I care about immensely, as something other than godly. But maybe that's just it.


They say love is blind, and maybe it's true. Love blinds you to the other person's faults. Because by god, he could be the biggest jerk on the planet and I think before he rejected me, I would still have thought the sun shined out of his ass.


I've been deeply hurt by all of this going on. I'm using it as a positive thing, but it's hard to take positive lessons from negativity, especially when you're still in the thick of things. I find myself going to his facebook page and trying to access his profile (even though I KNOW he has it set to private). Before, and even know, it's the only source I would have to his life. And I can't even have that.


Oh sure, down the road I'll be glad that I maintained radio silence and didn't contact him, but right now it sucks.


I don't even feel like I have someone I can talk to about it that won't immediately get bored with it. I just don't want to put that kind of burden on them, and aside from that. Nothing they say can make me feel better.


I still go to bed every night knowing that he hasn't called me in twelve days. I still go to bed every night knowing that he hasn't noticed (or if he has, he hasn't indicated that he has) that I have taken him off of my facebook as a friend. I still open my eyes every morning and dread getting out of bed. I still wander through the halls of my school in a surreal trance like state, trying to focus on anything but him.


What sucks even more is knowing that right now, he probably is at home with his boyfriend, or at his boyfriend's house (unless he and his ex got back together cause they still live together) and is most likely having a great time, not even thinking about me.


I don't think, not once, not ever in the past two years of our friendship has he ever done something for me. I mean truly caring out of the goodness of his heart, that he wouldn't do for anyone else. I don't think he ever really cared. I've just been that guy he hangs out with to pass the time.


It's all so very fucked up, and if I could stop thinking about it, and erase the past two years of my life I would. And it sucks because no one should have to wish something like that. I've wasted two years of my life. That's all I've done.


All the lonely birthdays, and the weekends spent with his boyfriend and him, while I was alone. All the christmas' that I've wished he were by my side. And for what? For an empty fucking bed and a inbox with no new messages.


That's where these past two years with him have gotten me.


I'm so sick of never sleeping, weight up and down, days sucking.


I just want it to end. I just want to sleep my life away right now. Skip over the next few years of it, and hit the fast forward button.


But right now I'm just stuck. That's the word I've been searching for.


I'm stuck.