As only Love can do

No picture this time, sorry. I just didn't have one that would fit my mood. Mainly because I don't know what my mood is.



I talked to Derrick today. I was the one to initiate the contact. I told him that I was done being his friend and that I expected nothing further from him. And as he seems to always be able to do, he responded and changed my feelings.



Believe me, I have far from forgiven him for past atrocities. But what if such atrocities were only made more traumatizing by my own mind. Sometimes I think I just wanted to hate him so that I didn't have to feel love for him. Oh yes, I have hated him. For months I had thought of him as heartless and forgetful, and even in my love had hated and despised him at moments, as only love can hate and despise.


He said that he has no excuse other than, that is just the way he communicates with all of his friends. He likes to believe that unless they voice problems with him, that there isn't any. I wish so badly to believe. I found out today that he and Alex broke up. Alex dumped him again, just as I said he would. Instead of feeling the justified revenge I always thought I would, when the time came, I felt pity and remorse for him.


I don't truly hate him. Though I have been through much pain because of him. I only wish him happiness. Which is harder for me to admit than you might think. Sometimes I believe that I am too nice. In fact most of the time I am. I am angered by that fact, but more than that, I can't help but to selfishly wonder: when will it be my turn?


When will it be my turn to experience love from somebody who loves me and wants me? When will I get the same effort put into a relationship that I give to it? I don't know the answer to these questions. What's more, I don't know if I can ever really truly trust Derrick again. But some part of me will always care for him. Some part of me will always be ready to hand him my heart.


I've just got to work on putting that part of me away.


-J-

Not a boy, Not yet a man

Two days ago I turned 18. As I expected, I didn't feel much different. I spent the prior evening with two good friends and on midnight of my birthday we went to wal-mart and bought popsicles and cigarettes. Also as I expected, Derrick didn't call or text and still hasn't for that matter.

I guess he's too busy being happy with Alex. Anyway. So the day of my birthday, I went on a trip with my mother to Minnesota, where her girlfriend lives currently. It was a long trip and I slept through most of it.

We got here and it's been great. We've played video games watched movies, been out eating. And tonight we decided to go clubbing. My first night of clubbing. It was...not what I was expecting. We went to this bar called the 'Saloon'. It was an exclusively gay guy bar. Don't get me wrong it was neat looking and there were lots of cute boys, but I just didn't feel...good enough. I was wearing a blue t-shirt with an argile sweater vest and blue jeans. That complete with my glasses probably made me look like a nerd. And on top of that I was with my mother.

But getting to the deeper issue here...I felt so out of place. I think it was a combination of the above and the fact that I was in a strange town that I didn't live in and I didn't know anyone else there besides my mom and her girlfriend. I also know it was because I'm not confident in myself. Everyone there must have had a size 0 waist and a hot toned body. Suffice it to say, I do not. I felt like some kind of fat imposter. You know?

I don't know, maybe it will get better but right now I know I'm so not ready to be in any kind of relationship and that I'm not totally happy with myself despite what I've been telling myself. I'm not horrid, in fact I've seen worse. But I'm not to the level I know I can be at and it sucks to realize that I've let myself just become this person I don't want to be. In a way it was a good thing. It motivates me even more to work out and get into shape.

I just don't want to be uncomfortable in my own skin anymore and that's what it boils down to.
I couldn't help but think about Derrick and how if we were still friends and he still talked to me, that we would have had a great time! Talking about people, pointing out cute guys, and dancing together. Part of me wants to be friends, but part of me knows that I'll always want something more from him. I ask myself: Can't I sacrifice the yearning for his company? Can't I sacrifice my true desires so I can finally talk to him.

I know what the Super Diva Queen inside of me would say: "Honey no. If he isn't willing to even talk to you about your problems, he doesn't deserve you." But there is another side of me. The friend to him side of me, that remembers all the good times we've had together and thinks about all the good things about him. They urge my Super Diva Queen side of me to forget all the times I've hurt these past 50 days, all the times I've hurt in the span of our friendship.

I have so many conflicting emotions about him, myself, my image, my life. And even if it was a crappy one, right now?

It would be great to have a friend. Any friend.

-J-

And it's so beautiful when the boy smiles...

That's Ian, my little brother. He's at my grandparent's house (on my father's side) and he is propped up on the couch, though it looks like he is sitting up by himself. Everyone says he looks so much like me when I was a baby, and I see the resemblence when I look in pictures.


It's so weird to say that I have a baby brother. I never thought I would be a big brother to anyone. I've enjoyed being the baby of the family. Except I'm not anymore. I'm looking forward to all the things I'll be able to teach and share with him. I just...don't want him to live the same life I have.


If I could there a few things I would change in my life...well scratch that, I wouldn't but sometimes it would be nice. I say I wouldn't change the certain things because they are the exact things that make me different, and make me...me.


For the past few days I have been wondering what I will do once the "Sixty Day He-Tox" is over. I thought about adding Derrick back as a friend on facebook. I thought about calling him or texting him.


I've decided to do none of those things. Instead I'm opting to do a little experiment. I already know he doesn't really care for me. I want to see how long it takes before he gets in touch with me. It's my birthday today...will I get a text from him? a call? I don't know. I can't answer it if I do. But I'll admit that I don't even know his birthdate.


I know the experiment is juvenile and really rather pointless. However I think love does that to you. I think it distorts your views on what is right and what is stupid. Because love makes you vulnerable and it makes you blind. Oh I'm sure I don't have much experience in a relationship but I've observed and I've loved. Even if that love was one sided.


So anyway on to other more important topics. I'm 18. I'm officially allowed to have sex, vote, smoke, watch pornographic movies (not that I would do half of that stuff...) but hey, I'm allowed to. And just being able to say that is like WOAH.


I've decided that I like antiques. Each item has it's own little story to tell. It has personality and charm. It's crazy, but as I was shopping with my Aunt this weekend for a present for her soon-to-arrive grandchild and my future neice/nephew, I came across this book that had an inscription in it: "To our Darling children, may you enjoy many hours of reading!" and it was signed. It was beautiful. I was going to buy it...and yet somehow I couldn't bring myself to...intrude on another's life. You know? Weird huh? So I've concluded that I like to go to antique shops. *sigh* I'm so gay.


OoH! I got a job! at the Gap in Bradely Fair. I get paid $** an hour and I start sometime in the first weekend of june. I'm so happy to finally be getting back on track. It feels like I'm taking responsibility and control of my own future again. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right, and it makes me want to do more! Like exercise on a regular basis. (still working on that one). Soon I will be this Fabulous Glamazon and all the boys will throw themselves at my feet...Well...a boy can dream.


I'm going to Minnesota this weekend to visit my mother's girlfriend. It should be pretty exciting considering I now get to go to some dance clubs. At least that's what I'm hoping. But it'll be good to see her (my mom's girlfriend). She's been like a mother to me these past few months that I have known her. And already we've had so much laughter and adventure in our everyday routine. Really it is amazing.


Once fall rolls around, I will be joining the big sis and parading around campus as a KU Jayhawker (although my mother's girlfriend would rather see me in MU colors, come august). And that is scary/exciting. It's the change that bothers me. But I just have to get used to it I suppose. I feel like that plump and slightly shiny young freshman boy that was entering high school not long ago.


Oh how time flies.

Between the Lines

The title is from Sara Bareilles' "Between the Lines". Ok and I'm pretty sure that most of you are tired of hearing about Derrick. For that I am sorry. It is what's going on in my life right now, though I am working on trying to make that different.


That song describes perfectly what I feel for Derrick. Not for him, about him actually. You know, I think I'm actually to the point where it's not about him loving me anymore. I want to be friends with him, but friends don't treat friends like shit.


Like I said in a previous (and more dramatic) post, he has gotten back together with his ex boyfriend...er...boyfriend...whatever. And it's been 25 days since we have talked. And he doesn't know we're not talking. Because he hasn't called or texted or messaged me.

Part of me is thankful for that. I don't know if I would have the strength to turn him away if he contacted me. But he hasn't, and so this has been pretty easy, because I can stay mad at his dumb ass. I just have to make it to 60 days without contact and I think that'll be the beginning of letting myself have the life I really deserve.

Oh and let's not get confused here, I'm not just sitting and counting the days and wishing for some sort of miracle. No I'm doing things. I'm trying to get back into the swing of exercising. I had to stop briefly for the play (Oh the things I do for theatre!), and just the other day I applied at the gap in Bradley Fair. I think that went exceedingly well. So I exagerate. I think it went pretty good.

I'm just hoping this isn't another dead end for me.

May is a busy time for me. I've got the senior class trip coming up, and I've got graduation and prom is this weekend! Oh jesus. Time has just flown. I have only about ten days left of actual school and then I'm done. Can you f***ing believe it? I can't. The 22nd is my birthday. People know sure, but I'm going to be on the edge of my seat wondering if dumb ass will notice. Should I care?

Probably not. Do I? Fxck yes. Another of his fuck ups I can add to the list I'm sure.

You know I bash him, but really? He isn't that bad of a person on principle. I'm not going to downplay his many and glorious faults. Because god knows i see them. But he's just human. That's something I've got to remember in this. He's the protagonist of his own story and he wants to find true love just like I do. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean me for him.

The Theater Banquet is on Friday may 9th and OMG, I'm up to my tits in invitations and flowers and tool. Ugh. AND my board sucks and so that's all going to hell. Anyways, that's just another thing on my calendar.

You know I'm not sure what I'm going to do for my 18th bday. I want to go out, yeah. But I haven't been to the club and already it's over-rated. Like I hear it's no big deal. Anyway it's like this big right of passage dealy. So I guess I should go.

I've been learning to become more independent. Or at least preparing myself to be. I don't want to have to rely on anyone once I get to KU. My sister will be leaving in a year, and my 'best friend' and I barely speak anymore because of her busy schedule. Sometimes I think that my life would be better off without some of the people in it.

I am really big into friendships, but no one I'm friends with is really a great friend to me. It's always me giving and giving and giving, but I never really get anything back. There are exceptions, but for the most part, through this whole thing with Derrick, I've had no one to talk to.

I don't know. Maybe if I opened up to them they would listen, but they're all so busy with their own shit. I think that's why I come here more often...cause it's the only chance I get to really be myself, and talk about whatever I feel like talking about. You know?

I'm trying to figure out life again, when I thought I already had it figured out and that's the hardest thing I've done so far. Accepting that what I thought was reality, what I thought was my future and my perception of things just wasn't exactly right. I've got a lot more growing to do, that's for sure. This experience proves it.

I just hope I can survive the learning process.

Between The Lines lyrics

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause i cant continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other

So i've learned to listen through silence
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me i'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines