I just...want to be happy. I'm trying to figure out how I can do that. but I can't. It's seems so far away. So out of my reach.

why?

Updating

Well. This is the beginning again. A New Year, and a new life. Ok, maybe not all that dramatic as a new life...but a changed one.


My mother is going away overseas again. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I think that's because I haven't allowed myself to feel anything but indifference. That's because this would be the third time she's going to go, and you'd think that by now I'd be used to the idea. But I'm not. It's still scary as hell, and the only difference is that this time, when she told me, I didn't cry.


She's going to be missing some more things. Not just Carissa's things this time, but also some life events that will be occuring in my own life. Like my Sweet Sixteenth Birthday. She'll miss that. or a year of Carissa's college life, and the summer time. She'll miss that too.


I don't doubt that she loves us, and that isn't a thought that's crossed my mind. She's doing this for her this time. She's going there in hopes of building a better life for herself, and leaving behind the shackles of her old self. She deserves to have what she wants, and I respect her greatly for doing this. She is going overseas to a war-zone torn country, where she's putting her life at risk (however minimal, there's still risk) so that she can raise enough money and come back and quit her job so she can start fresh on her own. Nobody to tell her what to do, or how to think, or even how to act.


So in that respect yes, I admire her. She's a strong woman. It won't be easy, and she full well knows that. But she's going to do this anyway.


When she returns from these trips I always feel like she's changed so much, and then I'm forced to look at myself, and I realize...Wow. Nothing's changed. Sure, I'd have a haircut there, or a few new clothes here. But I think I realize, and she realizes, each and every time, that I have done nothing for myself and nothing to better myself. So I'm trying to change that this time. To a point where when she gets back, I can look at her and look at me, and we can realize together that we've made something out of ourselves. We're different people then we were, and that...that is something new.


*kisses and love*

Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
J.H.