Testing - 1,2,3

Today I called in to a free health clinic to get tested...and they were closed. I don't know wether to be relieved or pissed. I know people keep telling me that I'm going to be fine, and that I'll probably be negative...and I wish I was as confident as them.

I looked up the Clinic information again, to get the right address, phone number, and business hours. It felt so surreal...that this all could be happening to me. I'm sure that if I'm positive, things will definitly change. Right now I should be on my knees praying to god, or bhudda, or somebody. But i can't bring myself to. I can't bring myself to make this more real to me than it is.

I cleaned for most of my evening. Cleaned my bathroom, my room. Top to bottom. Then I exercised, shaved, expholiated my face, and brushed my teeth. What would be the point though, if I am soon to get a positive result?

What the test results will be, I can not tell you. But what I can tell you is this: I will leave this experience, positive or negative, having learned something. I will learn that even though I think I have an infinite amount of tomorrows, and a shield of invincibility...I do not have either of those things. I will work to enjoy what I have, instead of complaining about what I don't have, because I didn't have to work to survive life.

If there is some higher power up there then maybe this is a test. Maybe this is a wake up call. One to tell me that I'm not getting everything out of life, or thankful for what I have, and this is the punishment. Not necessarily being positive, but being scared. Scared for my life.

So I am making an appointment tomorrow for 5:00 on Monday October 16. I'm glad someone is going with me. I'm sure I could find the place on my own, with enough time and patience, but I need the moral support.



Anyway, I have to go, but I just want to say...
Thank you,
To all of you who listen, give me advice, and encouragement.

-Queen Trixie J.D. the First-