Pieces of Me

Well, the title seems to be alright, but the subject matter is...ugh.
I'm tired of my life. My familial life with my father...and I use the term loosely. I'm tired of pretending things are ok, and that we like eachother, and I'm tired of making small talk about nothing that interests me, and I'm tired of feeling like everytime I'm with or near my father I have to shut down myself. Shut down who I really am.

It's true, that I do shut my true self down around him because he would never accept the real me. He's a sexist, bigoted, asian who doesn't know any better and I just wished things were different.

Almost every day I go through scenarios where I tell him who I really am, and each reaction is different. Sometimes he's angry and kicks me out and I tell him to fuck off, and sometimes that's like the bridge we needed between us that spans across the bottom-less pit that is our relationship, because I was finally free and honest and able to be me.

It hurts to have to hide, but what hurts worse is the fact that I know without a doubt that most of my scenarios are just dreaming, that he'd problem do something worse like send me into a group of church counselor's who would tell me that I'm evil, and that a demon lives inside of me.
So often I find myself just wanting to run away...but I know that I can't do that. It would just make things worse for me, and their opinion of me (which matters not to me) would sink lower and lower.

And really, the only thing that has kept me going this far is because I know that if I stop pretending then it will all be real for this family. And this family will break into pieces and never have a chance in hell of being whole.

And so I act.

-Trixie-