Thinking

I'm just thinking tonight.
And maybe that's a bad thing.

Tonight, while over at my friend Andrea's house I came across a picture of this guy I used to really like. In fact I think he was the only guy, in my life so far, that I've come close to loving.

I felt the most horrible stab of longing when I looked into his eyes in the picture. Longing to go back in time and stay there forever. A time when I thought he loved me, and I thought we were going to date and be happy for a long while. A time where I felt wanted. In fact...one of the few times in my life that I have.

Is it wrong? To want him still, when he was so cruel to me in the end. So non-attached, and like I was his play thing to throw away at will.

I see people, like a dear friend of mine, become consumed with their first love. The person they truly gave their heart to, is exactly the person they refuse to let go of.

I look at people like that and I don't want to be that person. I don't want to base every one of my future relationships off that one person. I don't want to live my life in that period of time, one which is long gone.

But...but I don't want to forget it either. As painful as it was for me, it's the reason I'm the person I am today.

Yes that may not be a great thing because as yesterday's entry points out, I have my flaws, but I realize that though I'm not perfrect, I never will be. My flaws are not what define me, they are merely a part of the whole person I am.

Without the experience, I would still be that...that freshman child who looks at the world and at love, as romantic notions where there are no tomorrows and no days of pain and tears. Without the experience I would be living a lie.

In his eyes I was flawed, I...didn't meet his standards. Hell I don't meet my own standards. But I can use that I think. I can use that as a striving point to make myself everything he didn't think I could be.

And that is something I never want to forget...Something I may even learn to cherish and look back on nad think...WoW...I did it. I've become who I wanted to be.

So Is it wrong to miss him? No. It only serves to remind me of what I don't need.

Until next time.

Loving you,

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First