These are my confessions

This is Vic Grassi. He played an HIV positive man on Queer as Folk. He died in a later episode while sitting in his living room watching television.

I'm getting tested this week. My friend Suzie is taking me. When I was younger something happened that I really don't want to talk about. But yeah, now I'm going to get tested.

I'm getting tested and I'm scared shitless. I have a friend whom I recently met online, and he says I should not start going crazy, I should just wait patiently and level-headedly for the results to come in...so why do I feel like, even now, I'm already a gonner?

People I've talked about this to, have all told me not to worry, because I haven't started showing any signs of being positive. But that doesn't mean anything. A Man went ten years without showing any signs of HIV/Aids and he still had it.

I don't want to die. I'm not ready for that. A part of me thinks I'm being a little over-dramatic...but what if I'm not? What if the test results come back, and you all were being under-dramatic?

I know in this day and age, HIV/Aids doesn't mean the same thing as it used to, but to me it does. To me, the reading of the test results, and them being positive would mean a warrant out for my death.

I don't know what I'd do if I am positive. I do know that I'd at least think about suicide...but I would never do it.

Shit...I don't know anymore....

Wish me luck?

-Q. T.-