Heal me

Ain't it crazy? For a moment there, this felt just like diein'. But now I see, there's something inside, that's coming alive. Ain't it crazy?


Those words are the words of a woman filled with genius, someone who is always there for me and I can't count on. Melissa Etheridge.


Tonight was very emotional for me and very uplifting all at the same time. For the past few weeks I've been in a daze, I've been living like I was dying, all because of how I felt for Derrick. I was miserable because I didn't think he could ever love me.


On Valentines day I told him that I was in love with him - over facebook. Dumb bitch move, I realize. But I did tell him and that's what matters to me. I've been freaking out ever since about how he'd react and what was going to happen next. When it happened, I was going nuts, thinking I'd turned everything inside out and fucked things up.


Tonight however, Yace came to visit me. Well mom and I, but at about 11 I felt like I would go nuts and so I needed to talk to someone. I love Yace and she's been there for me before, so we went out for coffee. We talked about an array of things and I spilled everything to her about Derrick.


She knew exactly how I felt and I never realized how much in common we really have. She gave me a gift that I can't repay right now, which is the fact that she put things into a whole new perspective for me.


I'm no more optomistic about Derrick than I was before we talked, but I am more optomistic about my life. She really understands what I'm going through and she made me understand that I have to let go of him.

We're in two different places in our lives and he and I don't have a chance right now. Even if he did like me, even if he wasn't in a relationship with Alex there are still things we both need to learn about our own lives.


I'm not ready for a relationship, and although I've been ready for a chance at love for the past 4 years, I know I'm not going to get what I'm looking for quite yet. The people around me and people in life generally are not where I'm at emotionally, not at my age anyway.


If anything she's given me hope that I will find that someone out there that CAN make me happy. You know why? Because I fucking deserve it.


So I just want to say, I'm in a much better place, and all that's left is getting to the right place with Derrick. Letting him go, and being just his friend again. Then I can move on with my life.


I thought my world would end if he didn't love me back, and it felt just like dying.


But now I see.


I'm going to be fine.


Much love,

-J-

Turpentine -Brandi Carlile

I watch you grow away from me in photographs
And memories like spies
And salt betrays my eyes again
I started losing sleep and gaining weight
And wishing I was was ten again
So I could be your friend again

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in lineBut I'm warning you we're growing up

I heard you found some pretty words to say
You found your little game to play
and there's no one allowed in

Then just when we believe we could be great
Reality it permeates
And conquers from within again
These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up
We're OK I know we're OK
These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

This one's Gonna Hurt Like Hell

I'm laughing in that picture. I think that's why I chose it.

Life is in the air. The winds of change are not the only winds that exist. The winds of love, lust, heartbreak and sorrow are also blowing. Breezing in and out of peoples lives and touching them in ways that the outcomes are unforseen.

Today was a good day, I think. I woke up, and Derrick and I watched an episode or two of queer as folk. Then he left and I got ready to go to lawrence to see my sister and so my mom could get her hair done.

We both ended up getting our hair done and then we went and ate dinner at this place called paisonos...I think that's how you spell it. Anyway, it's basically Olive Garden. It was suprisingly delicious
.

Then I went with mom to Charlies, the bar that my sister works at. It was cute, if not ghetto. Had a cig with Joce and talked with a nice (if not drunk) lady named Patty who works at KU. It was fun to meet those people and see where Carissa spends her nights and some of her days.

I called Derrick when I got into town.

Oh Derrick. I don't know what to do with myself. I've always had a crush on him, but I'm shy. I need to know people before I would ever consider a relationship with them and Alex got to him before I did.

God, I say 'got to him' as if he's some door prize to win or something. But the thing is, I don't know that Derrick or Alex has had any other relationship than each other. Their first boyfriends. And they end up breaking up two years and an apartment later.

Derrick is a really great guy, and my feelings for him have always lain dormant because he had a boyfriend. Sure, there was always the flare of unprecedented jealousy when he mentioned Alex, or bought him a cute piece of jewelry he saw that reminded him of Alex. But I always controlled it because it looked like they were in it for the long haul.

And now this. I'm not doing anything either. Not sure I ever will. Because he needs someone just to be his friend right now. He just needs some support where there otherwise is none.

Back to tonight.

We went to this cute little tea cafe. It was a groundhog day party and he'd bought two tickets (I'm assuming one for him and one for alex) and he didn't want to go alone. It was a shope the size of a small starbucks, and it was pretty much full. He stood in the corner with me and talked about the cute guys that were in there. And all the while I just wanted to slap him. Wake him up and tell him that I'm here, that there's nothing I can't offer him.

But that makes me sound like a high school girl, and quite frankly a little crazy. I'm really not you know. Anyway, I got free tea (ew. I drank it cause that's all they had) and some cookies and some weird sausage burger thingy. The owner of the shop's mother gave a cute little speech about ground hog day and it was funny.

Afterwards, we went to go get my car which we left at this dance studio near the tea shop. And we got lost. Both of us SUCK at directions, especially downtown. I was freaking out inside because I'd gotten lost before and it was not fun...but all the while I couldn't stop thinking about how I wouldn't want to be there with anyone else...going to a tea shop when I hate tea and getting lost in a car with no heat, downtown.

I feel so stupid. I hate crushes, I hate lust, I hate love. It gets me no where; gets me nothing. Nothing except a cold bed and a missing piece of my life. Maybe this is all supposed to be some cosmic lesson. That can be interpreted in several ways: 1) I should just give up on the idea of love and just fuck. 2) I need to be more independent and not worry about love 3) I'm stupid and should just forget all about everything I think I know about these things.

I know I'm being dramatic really. But just bear with me here. I just need to vent. This is where I come to do my venting since I don't have any friends that would really understand or wouldn't try to give me some dumb ass advice.

I come because I know that most of the time people don't read this, and it's like I'm sending a message out to an electronic friend. A void that can be found in cyberspace.

Anyway. It's cold and it's 1 a.m. and I've got church in the morning.

So goodnight dear void.

-J-