Confessions Of a Teenage Gay Queen

A New Lease on Life.

2008-06-07T22:54:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! I just wanted to let you know that I have moved my postings to this address: http://talesofthisdiva.blogspot.com/

I figured that since I was now 18 and since I was starting a new era in my life, then I should start a new blog.

It's bigger, better and more fabulous than ever.
So let me know what you think
;)

-J.H.-

As only Love can do

2008-05-26T00:35:00.000-07:00

No picture this time, sorry. I just didn't have one that would fit my mood. Mainly because I don't know what my mood is.

I talked to Derrick today. I was the one to initiate the contact. I told him that I was done being his friend and that I expected nothing further from him. And as he seems to always be able to do, he responded and changed my feelings.

Believe me, I have far from forgiven him for past atrocities. But what if such atrocities were only made more traumatizing by my own mind. Sometimes I think I just wanted to hate him so that I didn't have to feel love for him. Oh yes, I have hated him. For months I had thought of him as heartless and forgetful, and even in my love had hated and despised him at moments, as only love can hate and despise.

He said that he has no excuse other than, that is just the way he communicates with all of his friends. He likes to believe that unless they voice problems with him, that there isn't any. I wish so badly to believe. I found out today that he and Alex broke up. Alex dumped him again, just as I said he would. Instead of feeling the justified revenge I always thought I would, when the time came, I felt pity and remorse for him.

I don't truly hate him. Though I have been through much pain because of him. I only wish him happiness. Which is harder for me to admit than you might think. Sometimes I believe that I am too nice. In fact most of the time I am. I am angered by that fact, but more than that, I can't help but to selfishly wonder: when will it be my turn?

When will it be my turn to experience love from somebody who loves me and wants me? When will I get the same effort put into a relationship that I give to it? I don't know the answer to these questions. What's more, I don't know if I can ever really truly trust Derrick again. But some part of me will always care for him. Some part of me will always be ready to hand him my heart.

I've just got to work on putting that part of me away.

-J-

Not a boy, Not yet a man

2008-05-24T23:58:00.001-07:00

Two days ago I turned 18. As I expected, I didn't feel much different. I spent the prior evening with two good friends and on midnight of my birthday we went to wal-mart and bought popsicles and cigarettes. Also as I expected, Derrick didn't call or text and still hasn't for that matter.

I guess he's too busy being happy with Alex. Anyway. So the day of my birthday, I went on a trip with my mother to Minnesota, where her girlfriend lives currently. It was a long trip and I slept through most of it.

We got here and it's been great. We've played video games watched movies, been out eating. And tonight we decided to go clubbing. My first night of clubbing. It was...not what I was expecting. We went to this bar called the 'Saloon'. It was an exclusively gay guy bar. Don't get me wrong it was neat looking and there were lots of cute boys, but I just didn't feel...good enough. I was wearing a blue t-shirt with an argile sweater vest and blue jeans. That complete with my glasses probably made me look like a nerd. And on top of that I was with my mother.

But getting to the deeper issue here...I felt so out of place. I think it was a combination of the above and the fact that I was in a strange town that I didn't live in and I didn't know anyone else there besides my mom and her girlfriend. I also know it was because I'm not confident in myself. Everyone there must have had a size 0 waist and a hot toned body. Suffice it to say, I do not. I felt like some kind of fat imposter. You know?

I don't know, maybe it will get better but right now I know I'm so not ready to be in any kind of relationship and that I'm not totally happy with myself despite what I've been telling myself. I'm not horrid, in fact I've seen worse. But I'm not to the level I know I can be at and it sucks to realize that I've let myself just become this person I don't want to be. In a way it was a good thing. It motivates me even more to work out and get into shape.

I just don't want to be uncomfortable in my own skin anymore and that's what it boils down to.
I couldn't help but think about Derrick and how if we were still friends and he still talked to me, that we would have had a great time! Talking about people, pointing out cute guys, and dancing together. Part of me wants to be friends, but part of me knows that I'll always want something more from him. I ask myself: Can't I sacrifice the yearning for his company? Can't I sacrifice my true desires so I can finally talk to him.

I know what the Super Diva Queen inside of me would say: "Honey no. If he isn't willing to even talk to you about your problems, he doesn't deserve you." But there is another side of me. The friend to him side of me, that remembers all the good times we've had together and thinks about all the good things about him. They urge my Super Diva Queen side of me to forget all the times I've hurt these past 50 days, all the times I've hurt in the span of our friendship.

I have so many conflicting emotions about him, myself, my image, my life. And even if it was a crappy one, right now?

It would be great to have a friend. Any friend.

-J-

And it's so beautiful when the boy smiles...

2008-05-22T01:15:00.000-07:00

That's Ian, my little brother. He's at my grandparent's house (on my father's side) and he is propped up on the couch, though it looks like he is sitting up by himself. Everyone says he looks so much like me when I was a baby, and I see the resemblence when I look in pictures.

It's so weird to say that I have a baby brother. I never thought I would be a big brother to anyone. I've enjoyed being the baby of the family. Except I'm not anymore. I'm looking forward to all the things I'll be able to teach and share with him. I just...don't want him to live the same life I have.

If I could there a few things I would change in my life...well scratch that, I wouldn't but sometimes it would be nice. I say I wouldn't change the certain things because they are the exact things that make me different, and make me...me.

For the past few days I have been wondering what I will do once the "Sixty Day He-Tox" is over. I thought about adding Derrick back as a friend on facebook. I thought about calling him or texting him.

I've decided to do none of those things. Instead I'm opting to do a little experiment. I already know he doesn't really care for me. I want to see how long it takes before he gets in touch with me. It's my birthday today...will I get a text from him? a call? I don't know. I can't answer it if I do. But I'll admit that I don't even know his birthdate.

I know the experiment is juvenile and really rather pointless. However I think love does that to you. I think it distorts your views on what is right and what is stupid. Because love makes you vulnerable and it makes you blind. Oh I'm sure I don't have much experience in a relationship but I've observed and I've loved. Even if that love was one sided.

So anyway on to other more important topics. I'm 18. I'm officially allowed to have sex, vote, smoke, watch pornographic movies (not that I would do half of that stuff...) but hey, I'm allowed to. And just being able to say that is like WOAH.

I've decided that I like antiques. Each item has it's own little story to tell. It has personality and charm. It's crazy, but as I was shopping with my Aunt this weekend for a present for her soon-to-arrive grandchild and my future neice/nephew, I came across this book that had an inscription in it: "To our Darling children, may you enjoy many hours of reading!" and it was signed. It was beautiful. I was going to buy it...and yet somehow I couldn't bring myself to...intrude on another's life. You know? Weird huh? So I've concluded that I like to go to antique shops. *sigh* I'm so gay.

OoH! I got a job! at the Gap in Bradely Fair. I get paid $** an hour and I start sometime in the first weekend of june. I'm so happy to finally be getting back on track. It feels like I'm taking responsibility and control of my own future again. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right, and it makes me want to do more! Like exercise on a regular basis. (still working on that one). Soon I will be this Fabulous Glamazon and all the boys will throw themselves at my feet...Well...a boy can dream.

I'm going to Minnesota this weekend to visit my mother's girlfriend. It should be pretty exciting considering I now get to go to some dance clubs. At least that's what I'm hoping. But it'll be good to see her (my mom's girlfriend). She's been like a mother to me these past few months that I have known her. And already we've had so much laughter and adventure in our everyday routine. Really it is amazing.

Once fall rolls around, I will be joining the big sis and parading around campus as a KU Jayhawker (although my mother's girlfriend would rather see me in MU colors, come august). And that is scary/exciting. It's the change that bothers me. But I just have to get used to it I suppose. I feel like that plump and slightly shiny young freshman boy that was entering high school not long ago.

Oh how time flies.

Between the Lines

2008-05-01T21:51:00.000-07:00

The title is from Sara Bareilles' "Between the Lines". Ok and I'm pretty sure that most of you are tired of hearing about Derrick. For that I am sorry. It is what's going on in my life right now, though I am working on trying to make that different.

That song describes perfectly what I feel for Derrick. Not for him, about him actually. You know, I think I'm actually to the point where it's not about him loving me anymore. I want to be friends with him, but friends don't treat friends like shit.

Like I said in a previous (and more dramatic) post, he has gotten back together with his ex boyfriend...er...boyfriend...whatever. And it's been 25 days since we have talked. And he doesn't know we're not talking. Because he hasn't called or texted or messaged me.

Part of me is thankful for that. I don't know if I would have the strength to turn him away if he contacted me. But he hasn't, and so this has been pretty easy, because I can stay mad at his dumb ass. I just have to make it to 60 days without contact and I think that'll be the beginning of letting myself have the life I really deserve.

Oh and let's not get confused here, I'm not just sitting and counting the days and wishing for some sort of miracle. No I'm doing things. I'm trying to get back into the swing of exercising. I had to stop briefly for the play (Oh the things I do for theatre!), and just the other day I applied at the gap in Bradley Fair. I think that went exceedingly well. So I exagerate. I think it went pretty good.

I'm just hoping this isn't another dead end for me.

May is a busy time for me. I've got the senior class trip coming up, and I've got graduation and prom is this weekend! Oh jesus. Time has just flown. I have only about ten days left of actual school and then I'm done. Can you f***ing believe it? I can't. The 22nd is my birthday. People know sure, but I'm going to be on the edge of my seat wondering if dumb ass will notice. Should I care?

Probably not. Do I? Fxck yes. Another of his fuck ups I can add to the list I'm sure.

You know I bash him, but really? He isn't that bad of a person on principle. I'm not going to downplay his many and glorious faults. Because god knows i see them. But he's just human. That's something I've got to remember in this. He's the protagonist of his own story and he wants to find true love just like I do. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean me for him.

The Theater Banquet is on Friday may 9th and OMG, I'm up to my tits in invitations and flowers and tool. Ugh. AND my board sucks and so that's all going to hell. Anyways, that's just another thing on my calendar.

You know I'm not sure what I'm going to do for my 18th bday. I want to go out, yeah. But I haven't been to the club and already it's over-rated. Like I hear it's no big deal. Anyway it's like this big right of passage dealy. So I guess I should go.

I've been learning to become more independent. Or at least preparing myself to be. I don't want to have to rely on anyone once I get to KU. My sister will be leaving in a year, and my 'best friend' and I barely speak anymore because of her busy schedule. Sometimes I think that my life would be better off without some of the people in it.

I am really big into friendships, but no one I'm friends with is really a great friend to me. It's always me giving and giving and giving, but I never really get anything back. There are exceptions, but for the most part, through this whole thing with Derrick, I've had no one to talk to.

I don't know. Maybe if I opened up to them they would listen, but they're all so busy with their own shit. I think that's why I come here more often...cause it's the only chance I get to really be myself, and talk about whatever I feel like talking about. You know?

I'm trying to figure out life again, when I thought I already had it figured out and that's the hardest thing I've done so far. Accepting that what I thought was reality, what I thought was my future and my perception of things just wasn't exactly right. I've got a lot more growing to do, that's for sure. This experience proves it.

I just hope I can survive the learning process.

Between The Lines lyrics

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause i cant continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other

So i've learned to listen through silence
Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me i'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines

Shattered

2008-04-21T01:45:00.000-07:00

At three A.M. on Monday April 21st, my heart shattered into a million little pieces.

At three A.M. on Monday April 21st I found out that he's dating his ex again.

At three A.M. on Monday April 21st I found out that I'm not stronger than the pain.

At three A.M. on Monday April 21st I forgot how to breathe, and didn't want to start again once I remembered how.

I can't sleep, want to vomit, scream, yell, pull out my hair, get stoned or drunk...or both, smoke a pack of cigarettes. I want to run out into the street. I want to call him and let him hear the gun shot. I want to wake up the world.

Instead I sit silently downstairs, typing on my blog.

It's all in my head.

2008-04-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

Well. Here I am. I don't really know what to say. I know what I want to say. I want to call him right this very moment even though I know he won't answer, and I want to yell and scream and cry.

The toughest part of the whole thing is acceptance. I want to accept that this is happening. I can't. Or I'm not letting myself.

I've read this book called, "It's called a break up because it's broken." and it has really helped me, but at the same time, no one book has the power to make anyone just up and change their mood about something like this.

In the book, the author(s) suggest a sixty day "he-tox", and you have no contact with your ex for 60 days. I'm on day 12. And I want to cry. I want to call and ask what's going on, I want to be a part of his life. I want to know what's going on with him. I want to be able to breathe again.

Every morning, when I'm driving alone in my car, I think about him. 'Its just a short drive up the road' I tell myself. 'You can squeeze in a quick hello.' But I never do. I always chicken out at the last moment and tell myself it's for the better.

Maybe it is. It probably is. But that doesn't make it any less hard. The night before I started reading the book I took the first step of the ''he-tox'' without even knowing it. I had gone onto his facebook and saw that he was listed as being in a relationship.

Oh god I don't even want to talk about the sharp stabbing pain that I felt go through me at that moment. I wanted to rip my eyes out. I was so angry! How dare he not tell me that he had a boyfriend? Wasn't I supposedly his best friend?

And that's when it hit me. I wasn't his best friend. I probably wasn't anything more than an aquaintance to him. The night he got broken up with by his ex, he called me after not having talked to me for at least a month, saying that I was the only one that was there for him.

Later on down the road, he and I would always do something on the weekends, and I felt special. But then recently I was talking to my mom's girlfriend and she said ''You know he's probably been using you right? And the reason he won't talk to you is because he's guilty and he knows on some level that all he has been doing is using you?" and I didn't want to hear it but I knew.

On some level I've always known he was a user. That's what he is. A user. He uses people to get what he wants. I hate so much to think of this one person, who I care about immensely, as something other than godly. But maybe that's just it.

They say love is blind, and maybe it's true. Love blinds you to the other person's faults. Because by god, he could be the biggest jerk on the planet and I think before he rejected me, I would still have thought the sun shined out of his ass.

I've been deeply hurt by all of this going on. I'm using it as a positive thing, but it's hard to take positive lessons from negativity, especially when you're still in the thick of things. I find myself going to his facebook page and trying to access his profile (even though I KNOW he has it set to private). Before, and even know, it's the only source I would have to his life. And I can't even have that.

Oh sure, down the road I'll be glad that I maintained radio silence and didn't contact him, but right now it sucks.

I don't even feel like I have someone I can talk to about it that won't immediately get bored with it. I just don't want to put that kind of burden on them, and aside from that. Nothing they say can make me feel better.

I still go to bed every night knowing that he hasn't called me in twelve days. I still go to bed every night knowing that he hasn't noticed (or if he has, he hasn't indicated that he has) that I have taken him off of my facebook as a friend. I still open my eyes every morning and dread getting out of bed. I still wander through the halls of my school in a surreal trance like state, trying to focus on anything but him.

What sucks even more is knowing that right now, he probably is at home with his boyfriend, or at his boyfriend's house (unless he and his ex got back together cause they still live together) and is most likely having a great time, not even thinking about me.

I don't think, not once, not ever in the past two years of our friendship has he ever done something for me. I mean truly caring out of the goodness of his heart, that he wouldn't do for anyone else. I don't think he ever really cared. I've just been that guy he hangs out with to pass the time.

It's all so very fucked up, and if I could stop thinking about it, and erase the past two years of my life I would. And it sucks because no one should have to wish something like that. I've wasted two years of my life. That's all I've done.

All the lonely birthdays, and the weekends spent with his boyfriend and him, while I was alone. All the christmas' that I've wished he were by my side. And for what? For an empty fucking bed and a inbox with no new messages.

That's where these past two years with him have gotten me.

I'm so sick of never sleeping, weight up and down, days sucking.

I just want it to end. I just want to sleep my life away right now. Skip over the next few years of it, and hit the fast forward button.

But right now I'm just stuck. That's the word I've been searching for.

I'm stuck.

Come Round Soon

2008-03-10T22:17:00.000-07:00

I keep hopin' he'll come round soon.

That's one of the lines from a song by Sara Bareilles. It perfectly describes how I've been feeling about Derrick. That's not his name. I'm just using it to protect his privacy. I'm actually trying not to think about everything.

It's hard to do. Really hard. And while I think about him, I think about what he's doing and where he's going, but what I find myself thinking about the most is: Is he thinking about me?

Does he care that we haven't talked for a week, and that he's ditched me twice in a row now for other people? Does he care that I ditched him on Saturday without calling him to see if he would call me back? Did he notice?

I don't think about the answers to those questions because I fear that if I knew them, I wouldn't like what I would hear. And maybe that's why I've been hanging on to this whole situation, is because I don't want to face the reality that anything we've had before is slowly transforming and shaping into something I don't recognize...and it's killing me...and our friendship along with it.

For me it's become this twistedly toxic game that I'm playing by myself. This game of self-torture, of 'What-can-I-do-next-to-make-myself-more-miserable?'

I want to be done with this game, so badly. So badly it hurts like hell. I want to go back to that person I was before I met him. That carefree person whose only concern was what to wear to school the next day and what grade he would get on his math test.

Now everything's evolved into something so much more complicated. All the pains of growing up are piling on top of me. Scholarship searches, financial security, school, homework, tests, theater. And on top of all this, Derrick.

Oh I know right now I'm sounding like some whiny queen, but...I'm not. I'm just...a child. I'm a child growing up and I'm fighting it. The classic case of the perpetual child right? I realize that I can't be a child forever and it sucks.

To be a child is to be ignorant, and to be ignorant is bliss. That's what it is. I'm no longer ignorant and I miss that ignorance. I miss not knowing what all this felt like.

Most people find love to be an amazing experience, one to cherish forever and hold on to. But what about those of us who (in the words of Kate Winslet in 'The Holiday') 'fall in love alone'? It seems that this too is unfortunately a part of life, and I'm one of those unlucky enough to be living it.

She was right, Kate. No matter how many haircuts you get, or how many outings you have with your friends, you still spend hours laying awake, going over every detail wondering how you could have misunderstood and how you could possibly have thought for that one tiny moment that you were actually that happy. That's exactly how I feel.

I wish I could have the gumption she had to tell her ex to bugger off, but I just...can't. I don't have it in me. Because for so long he has been an essential part in my life, and throwing that away is like throwing away a piece of myself. A piece of my life, and I'm afraid that once gone, I can never find that feeling again in someone else.

It infuriates me that I'm sitting here writing a blog about all of this when...he's probably out getting drunk or hanging out with that new guy I saw on his friends list, that he said he hung out with a few times. It makes my blood boil that I spend my time worrying about where he's going tonight and who he might hook up with while I sit at home and study over my lines for my high school's upcoming spring play.

What's worse is I can not find a soul out there to really tell all of this to. If he were not the guy I had fallen for, I would be sharing all of this with HIM over coffee right now at our favorite local hang out. My mother warned me against loving my best friend, but what did I do? I went and fell for him anyway. And what a double edged sword that turned out to be.

A part of me, the nice part of me, feels so bad about letting him go. Because he's my friend and we have great times together, so should I punish him by taking away my friendship just because I am in shambles over the fact that he doesn't love me back? How's that for a catch 22?

But the mean part of me, the side I find more and more exposed within myself as I go through this whole 'I'm-letting-you-go' thing, thinks that it's a good thing he has told me he doesn't love me so I can move on and thinks that I can finally completely cut out of my life those that don't benefit me. I can cut my losses and start anew in college.

The question of the past few weeks, and a good many more to come is: Is it my loss, or is it his?

Signed

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Heal me

2008-02-16T00:42:00.001-08:00

Ain't it crazy? For a moment there, this felt just like diein'. But now I see, there's something inside, that's coming alive. Ain't it crazy?

Those words are the words of a woman filled with genius, someone who is always there for me and I can't count on. Melissa Etheridge.

Tonight was very emotional for me and very uplifting all at the same time. For the past few weeks I've been in a daze, I've been living like I was dying, all because of how I felt for Derrick. I was miserable because I didn't think he could ever love me.

On Valentines day I told him that I was in love with him - over facebook. Dumb bitch move, I realize. But I did tell him and that's what matters to me. I've been freaking out ever since about how he'd react and what was going to happen next. When it happened, I was going nuts, thinking I'd turned everything inside out and fucked things up.

Tonight however, Yace came to visit me. Well mom and I, but at about 11 I felt like I would go nuts and so I needed to talk to someone. I love Yace and she's been there for me before, so we went out for coffee. We talked about an array of things and I spilled everything to her about Derrick.

She knew exactly how I felt and I never realized how much in common we really have. She gave me a gift that I can't repay right now, which is the fact that she put things into a whole new perspective for me.

I'm no more optomistic about Derrick than I was before we talked, but I am more optomistic about my life. She really understands what I'm going through and she made me understand that I have to let go of him.

We're in two different places in our lives and he and I don't have a chance right now. Even if he did like me, even if he wasn't in a relationship with Alex there are still things we both need to learn about our own lives.

I'm not ready for a relationship, and although I've been ready for a chance at love for the past 4 years, I know I'm not going to get what I'm looking for quite yet. The people around me and people in life generally are not where I'm at emotionally, not at my age anyway.

If anything she's given me hope that I will find that someone out there that CAN make me happy. You know why? Because I fucking deserve it.

So I just want to say, I'm in a much better place, and all that's left is getting to the right place with Derrick. Letting him go, and being just his friend again. Then I can move on with my life.

I thought my world would end if he didn't love me back, and it felt just like dying.

But now I see.

I'm going to be fine.

Much love,

-J-

Turpentine -Brandi Carlile

2008-02-03T19:29:00.000-08:00

I watch you grow away from me in photographs
And memories like spies
And salt betrays my eyes again
I started losing sleep and gaining weight
And wishing I was was ten again
So I could be your friend again

These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in lineBut I'm warning you we're growing up

I heard you found some pretty words to say
You found your little game to play
and there's no one allowed in

Then just when we believe we could be great
Reality it permeates
And conquers from within again
These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up
We're OK I know we're OK
These days we go to waste like wine
That's turned to turpentine
It's six AM and I'm all messed up
I didn't mean to waste your time
So I'll fall back in line
But I'm warning you we're growing up

This one's Gonna Hurt Like Hell

2008-02-02T22:31:00.000-08:00

I'm laughing in that picture. I think that's why I chose it.

Life is in the air. The winds of change are not the only winds that exist. The winds of love, lust, heartbreak and sorrow are also blowing. Breezing in and out of peoples lives and touching them in ways that the outcomes are unforseen.

Today was a good day, I think. I woke up, and Derrick and I watched an episode or two of queer as folk. Then he left and I got ready to go to lawrence to see my sister and so my mom could get her hair done.

We both ended up getting our hair done and then we went and ate dinner at this place called paisonos...I think that's how you spell it. Anyway, it's basically Olive Garden. It was suprisingly delicious
.

Then I went with mom to Charlies, the bar that my sister works at. It was cute, if not ghetto. Had a cig with Joce and talked with a nice (if not drunk) lady named Patty who works at KU. It was fun to meet those people and see where Carissa spends her nights and some of her days.

I called Derrick when I got into town.

Oh Derrick. I don't know what to do with myself. I've always had a crush on him, but I'm shy. I need to know people before I would ever consider a relationship with them and Alex got to him before I did.

God, I say 'got to him' as if he's some door prize to win or something. But the thing is, I don't know that Derrick or Alex has had any other relationship than each other. Their first boyfriends. And they end up breaking up two years and an apartment later.

Derrick is a really great guy, and my feelings for him have always lain dormant because he had a boyfriend. Sure, there was always the flare of unprecedented jealousy when he mentioned Alex, or bought him a cute piece of jewelry he saw that reminded him of Alex. But I always controlled it because it looked like they were in it for the long haul.

And now this. I'm not doing anything either. Not sure I ever will. Because he needs someone just to be his friend right now. He just needs some support where there otherwise is none.

Back to tonight.

We went to this cute little tea cafe. It was a groundhog day party and he'd bought two tickets (I'm assuming one for him and one for alex) and he didn't want to go alone. It was a shope the size of a small starbucks, and it was pretty much full. He stood in the corner with me and talked about the cute guys that were in there. And all the while I just wanted to slap him. Wake him up and tell him that I'm here, that there's nothing I can't offer him.

But that makes me sound like a high school girl, and quite frankly a little crazy. I'm really not you know. Anyway, I got free tea (ew. I drank it cause that's all they had) and some cookies and some weird sausage burger thingy. The owner of the shop's mother gave a cute little speech about ground hog day and it was funny.

Afterwards, we went to go get my car which we left at this dance studio near the tea shop. And we got lost. Both of us SUCK at directions, especially downtown. I was freaking out inside because I'd gotten lost before and it was not fun...but all the while I couldn't stop thinking about how I wouldn't want to be there with anyone else...going to a tea shop when I hate tea and getting lost in a car with no heat, downtown.

I feel so stupid. I hate crushes, I hate lust, I hate love. It gets me no where; gets me nothing. Nothing except a cold bed and a missing piece of my life. Maybe this is all supposed to be some cosmic lesson. That can be interpreted in several ways: 1) I should just give up on the idea of love and just fuck. 2) I need to be more independent and not worry about love 3) I'm stupid and should just forget all about everything I think I know about these things.

I know I'm being dramatic really. But just bear with me here. I just need to vent. This is where I come to do my venting since I don't have any friends that would really understand or wouldn't try to give me some dumb ass advice.

I come because I know that most of the time people don't read this, and it's like I'm sending a message out to an electronic friend. A void that can be found in cyberspace.

Anyway. It's cold and it's 1 a.m. and I've got church in the morning.

So goodnight dear void.

-J-

Open your Mind

2008-01-06T21:46:00.001-08:00

So today was completely amazing. Ok, so I exaggerate. But I'm alive. I'm breathing and healthy and I have my friends. I have people who care about me.

I don't understand why there are so many people who have everything who don't realize how blessed they are. All they worry about is what dress to wear to the prom, while some people have to worry about where their next meal is coming from.

I won't lie. I'm no saint when it comes to that. I have had my fair share of pointless drama. But I'm trying to get away from that. I'm realizing more and more everyday how beautiful life can be. If only you Open Your Mind.

So back to today. I hung out with Kendra whilst she did her laundry and we read cosmo (it was sooo fun! no joke). And then we played pool and I kicked her ass (love ya girl) and then I had sushi with my mother. God do you know how long it's been since I have had sushi? Too damn long let me tell you what. California rolls at Kwan Court are to DIE for. Then I went to Village Inn to hang out with Emily, James, and Kendra.

Something else I'm realizing. It's the little things throughout my day that make it awesome. Just chillin' at my house reading Cosmo without any expectations to do anything else. I mean, how many times have you just actually hung out with your friends? Sober? Doing nothing that cost money or remotely involved video games or something like that?

Hanging out with a small group like two or three people isn't so bad. It's up there with hanging out with the whole group at VI. So all it really takes is some good people and that right there is a recipe for a good time.

Anyhow. Tomorrow is the first day of school. Blah. I'm trying not to think of it as a bad thing. Most of the graduated seniors I have talked to have said that their second semesters have been the best of their senior career. So I look forward to it.

And jumping topics, I wrote a script! I had people come over to do a dry read. They liked it...kind of. But I'm in the process of making some revisions. The new script will be kick ass. It's about a demon and a past-life seer. Pretty fxcking amazing I'd say. You'd just have to read it I guess.

I'm so excited for this time in my life. I don't know why, seeing as I'm broke. But it's not necessarily all about the money. I'm looking for a new job right now anyway. In a few months, I'll be graduated, and if all goes smoothly (*knock wood*) I'm going to KU in the fall. It's all so exciting and all so wonderful and I'm sure this cloud I'm floating on will be down a couple of times but in general, it's a good feeling. I'm starting to understand what they mean when they say, 'New Lease on Life'.

Alright, well I know I've bored you enough. I'll get on with it.

May you achieve your highest dreams, may you live life to the fullest and may you be blessed in your health and happiness.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Dear World

2008-01-06T00:27:00.000-08:00

Dear World.

These past few weeks have been some that I will never forget. Not because anyone did anything to make it that way, not because of some boy or some new thing in my life.

No, it's been...an awakening. Over break, I met this boy (not where the awakening started or stopped by the way) And he was cute and we kissed...ok so we made out. It was fantastic and I can now have the pleasure of saying, I've been kissed. Then when I was scheduled to go back to work, I found out an hour before I had to go in and decided that if I didn't go in that day, I would never go back in at all. That is exactly what I did. I called in and quit right there. Had I any bills or pressing debts, then I would never have had the balls to quit my job like that.

Note to self: Quitting my job may have been the shit, but it has also turned out to be the scariest shit in my entire life. After having a job and a secure paycheck, it feels like I'm naked...like a fish out of water. Trying to get back in the job-hunting game after being out of it for so long is very hard, believe it or not. Oh sure, now I have all the tips and tricks but...who's going to hire a 17 yr old guy with one 9 month job on his record...that he quit. So many times this past week I've reviewed my decision to quit. Yes right now I could be recieving a stable paycheck, yes right now I could be secure. But I'm 17, and fuck If I want to live on the wild side for a while then I say, why not? Why not experience doing something some people never get to: The joy of quitting their job on the spot.

Not having a job, has been hard though. I'm so used to being able to plan on having money. Yeah sure it's nice to sit around all day, and get up past noon but after a while it gets old. I'm reminded of my Uncle James who spends most of his time losing his jobs while getting drunk and sleeping in until either his bladder or his stomach wakes him up. Do I want that kind of life? Fuck no. And I'm going to do everything in my power not to make quitting my job a trend. All I have to do is think of my Uncle and I'm suddenly motivated again.

This is such a scary time in my life. I'm moving on, I'm going to college soon (*fingers crossed*) and this whole experience is...like...BAM life comes at you fast. I just have to put a positive spin on things, and if I can do that, I can do anything.

There are places I have applied: Pizza Hut, Payless. I've applied at pizza hut exactly a week ago today, and they haven't called me. I went in on Wednesday and checked up on my application but they didn't say anything about it. All I can do is watch, wait, hope and listen. I'm supposed to be calling Payless back tomorrow, so hopefully that goes well. Also, I am applying at places in the mall and maybe a little further up on rock. Depending on how far I want to drive everyday. Don't want my paychecks all going to gas, now do I?

So I'm excited for this new semester at school. I'm sure I'll still not like getting up in the morning to go, but I can rock that shit and tear it up, you know? It's something that's got to be done and I can have fun doing it. Hell it's going to be the last four months I ever spend in that place, so I'll make them something to remember. Something I can end on a positive not and never look back on.

In lawrence I wonder how many job opportunities there will be. I want to be like Carissa and work at the Salon, but I don't think that would go over with her very well. Besides I need to make my own path in my life there at Lawrence. I just don't know what I would do. I do NOT want to work at fast food. If I can get a job in retail that would be fucking amazing. The only thing stopping me from doing the same here is my age. Most places in the mall want you to be 18 before you work in retail.

A big dream, and I mean it's not something I think I might do the rest of my life (although life is crazy so who really knows) I would love to experience being a party planner. I love throwing parties. Everything down to the detail being perfect. I think if I was just given a chance to show everyone what I can do, then it'd be awesome. But the problem is, the people that are throwing the party actually have to have money to plan the party with...not to mention pay me with.

Speaking of parties, I've been to quite a few this break. Not to mention my recent job-quitting-lazy-binge I've been on, I've been eating so much food I don't know what to do with myself. So I decided to get back on the exercise band wagon. Lord knows how many times I have said that...but I really really really want this. And there's no reason I can't have it. Like quitting my job. Kendra is really an inspiration to me. She goes to school, she works, and she's got her shit together. She knows what she wants...and if she doesn't, she'll do what her heart tells her to do. So I asked her if we could work out together sometime. I really think she's a good friend. Yeah we may not always be this close and we may only be close some times, but when it counts I know she has the morals and values and just all around greatness that I need in my life. I can expect a true friend when I go to her. So just a shout out, thank you!

I'm going to start focusing more on me these days. All the time all I ever do is think about other people and what they want. For instance. I take my high school friends everywhere, because it's nice. Hell if I had someone to happily cart my ass around when I was in high school, I would worship the ground they fxcking walked on. But the problem is, I have no job, therefore no extra money for gas, and they sure as hell aren't made of money. Or at least none that they are giving me. So I'm going to have to start being mean about it. Going to have to ask for SOMETHING! I just give and give and give to the people I care about and it seems that I get shat on. If I need a good friend, someone to talk to, it's usually not there (except you kendra). And that really sucks. So I'm going to stop being nice about it. I'm going to start focusing on what the hell I want to do. Period.

Anyway, I need to start looking for scholarships. I'm hoping to help my father out on this whole school dealy. I know it can cost a lot and especially since the residence hall I want to stay in costs a hell of a lot of money. And I mean...wow, because it just got renovated.

So I think I've yammered on about everything under my sun and then some. I'm going to stop boring you all.

All I can wish if for happiness, clarity, peace and love in all of your lives. May you be successful in whatever you are doing, may you acheive the highest of your dreams and may you live like there's no tomorrow.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.

Life in the Fabulous Lane

2007-11-06T18:48:00.000-08:00

So I know I haven't written in a while. That's like major for me to be writing in this again. So that's not a totally recent picture of me, but I like it. It's so...I don't know. It reminds me of a time when I was so self-assured about my image. I like everything about how I look in that picture. My face is clear, my hair is (might i say) fabulous, and I'm just rockin' those eyebrows.

But whatev. I don't know. I'm now trying to grow out my hair and I don't know if that's a mistake. It's also more of a reddish-brown now. I think it looks pretty good, but then I don't know about that entirely.

My life right now is pretty good I'd have to say. I just met with a past president of drama club, (which I am currently president of) and he totally rejuvenated our outlook on the club. We know we can do this now. It was so inspiring to hear what he had to say. He made us really think about how to do our jobs as board members. So I'm totally confident in our ability to this.

School is going alright...although my english grade is suffering, and that's my best subject. I think it's the early hour that's really killing me. I just don't want to focus. The rest of my classes are pretty easy. So that's good. I've got a 2.67, which would be a 3.17 if I didn't have that D in English. I don't know what I'm doing! I'm a writer for Fxcks sake. I should have an A + + +. But I don't. I hate Brave New World. But we're moving onto a topic that I can deal with...Research Paper. Now THAT I CAN bullshit my way through. Because it has to do with writing. I don't know what it was. I just didn't feel like doing ANYTHING in Blauser's class. That's like a first for me in English cause I usually love everything.

Um...so I might be getting a boyfriend. I know I have said that before but this is like...weird. He's younger, and yeah...he likes me! That's a plus. But the minus is we haven't talked to each other in like a real conversation yet. So I'm like Uber nervous about that. What do I say? I should just be myself I know that...but that's easier said than done. And I have a very low self-image right now, because all I do is eat. And not work out. And that's like...making me feel fat.

That's just a brief glimpse of what's going on in my life right now. I wish I had more time to digress, but I don't.

So that's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Pump It

2007-06-12T02:14:00.000-07:00

So, I know it's been a while since I've updated my lovely blog, but here I am! I don't know who's reading this but I thoroughly don't give a fuck.

Anyhow, I love this pic of me. I look like such a star right? I know. Right now I'm downloading hot dance tracks for my high school reunion party, and lemme tell you it's makin' me crazy excited for this thing.

I mean we used to have such fun when we got together and partied. You know? I can't wait to see everyone and feel like a group again. And I also need to start losing weight. The 30th is where it's at betches.

WoW. High school. So much emotion and memories there. I don't know where to start. I'm sure I'll look back on these experiences and laugh and maybe even cry. There's so much that you don't fully realize about a situation, until you're out of them. You know? Which I think I'm in one of those situations.

Well, I have been working mostly (until recently) and I had to help my aunt move to her house in oregon, and so that's kept me away from work, where I could've made some serious money. I need to get at least another paycheck, so that I can get either a digi cam for the event, or DEFINITLY a new hot shirt for it.

Either way I'll be desperate for some dough here pretty soon. I know that I have a digital cam already, but I don't really like it ya know? But whatev. There's always christmas, and what not. So I'm uber excited to be a Senior this upcoming year. I've heard that the summer right before your senior year is your best one. So far nothing exciting or bad has happened, it's been pretty steady. I'm sure that'll all change with the vacation w/ my momma.

I really need to get to exercising...and writing. But whatever ya know? I have a life right now, and I'm doin the damn thing.

Got a couple things to work about when I get back to tal-town, but you know how you do. That's life.

Gonna go to bed.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

I'm two faced, but don't worry, both faces are pretty

2007-05-12T21:43:00.000-07:00

Acting is a blessing...and a curse. It's a defense mechanism and a weapon. You can't be made into an actor. If you're good, you were born with it in your blood. Your talent building as you went on.

Sometimes, when you've gained the experience with it, it becomes a drug. You get addicted to it, and if you aren't careful, you can Act yourself into someone fake.

Acting is just a glorified version of lieing, and although one is for entertainment, it's as if they go hand in hand.

Why am I saying all this? Why does it matter?

Because in order to get out of going to a friend's house I did an hour of intricate acting, armed with intensity and emotion, I used my full aresenal...without a second thought. There's also a double strike against me because I'm gay, and being in the closet makes you learn to lie well.

I'm sitting back after the experience, and I'm feeling guilty as shit. Sometimes I don't think of it too much. I don't think it's a huge deal sometimes...but tonight, it's different for some reason...have I lost my conscious? Have I no heart?

All I know is, I'm on the precipice where childhood and adulthood meets, and I'm teetering on the edge. It's scary as fuck. As I live each day, and learn each lesson, I grow weary of my situation. I don't know if I'll make it...I don't know what the future holds, and it scares me.

All I can do is sit and watch as my future unfolds.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Oh Dear.

2007-02-21T19:56:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone! It's me again. I know, I'm a lazy, crazy hoe for not updating. But! I am doing it now, so be glad yes?

This picture is of me and my two friends at DRAMA CONFERENCE! Oh jeez that was so much fun. It was a little over a month or two ago, but still I loved it. It was my first year going and I had a blast. If you don't know what Drama Conference is, it's where your drama club goes to a hotel with a bunch of other school's drama clubs, and you act and compete and take part in learning about theatre and it's great!

Anyway, things are going good. I'll start with school. I'm getting a 2.17 GPA...FINALLY after having a low 1.83 and lower/higher fluxing all through the semster. It's the ending of the year and I've had Senioritis all year...AND I'M NOT A SENIOR YET! It's so bad I tell you, but I'm so close to getting the grades I should have been getting all along that I'm excited anyway. Also, we're starting enrollment for senior year. Let me tell you something. It's an exciting and scary process all at the same time. I've got all my board of regents classes that are required, I am SURE of it, and so next year will be GRAVY. At least I'm thinking so...But yeah, I've got two semesters of senior release AND teacher's aide. That's two gravy classes/things right there.

Then comes the ACT this april. I'm SO NOT looking forward to sitting in a room full of other students taking a long huge boring test which I'll probably fail anyway. I'm going to try my hardest of course but there's no garauntees...The college that I want to go to (KU) did accept my sister's gf, with a score of 17....but I don't know her gf's high school cumulative GPA or anything, so there's no garauntee with that. But whatev.

I'm also going to look for a job soon, so that during senior release next year, I can work during senior release, and not just be lazy. Save up for college and all that jazz. Let me tell you, I can almost count on some rainy days where I'll be needing some extra cash. Although, my first priorty (if I get a job this summer) is to save up for a hot new kick ass wardrobe to go with my new and improved body that I'm currently working on. It's coming along slow, but coming along all the same. I just have to keep on keeping on.

So mom went back to afghanistan, and it's making me crazy! We're going on a family vacation when she gets back, and I SO can't wait for it. That's what's spurred me on to start trying to lose more weight. Is because we're going to a gay-friendly/gay-majority town. It's going to be fantastic! I don't know my weight or anything, and yes, I was taking a break in exercise and diet while my mother was here, but that's ended since she's gone back. Next week is the starting week for FULL week exercising.

Well life with homework, exercise, job searching, play practice, and friends is just well...CRAZY! But I wouldn't give it up for the world.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Who's Having the Best Week Ever?

2007-01-16T19:54:00.000-08:00

PICTURES!! LOTS OF THEM!

OK, First of all, for those of you who are wondering (*cough* martin *cough*) The party went fine. I had tons of fun and the fun continued through the weekend because even though it snowed and I was mostly trapped in the house, I LOVED just being able to lounge around. I set up a HUGE matress with LOADS of blankets and pillows on it so that we could all relax and watch movies and enjoy our goodies.

So today was officially our first day back at school *gag*. Okay but it wasn't that bad I suppose. I have a Algebra 2 test I have to take tomorrow and although I got through the review assignment alright, I probably have an F in the class. This is because I didn't do my homework over the weekend and forgot it at school. *slaps on hand* I know I was bad! Especially since I'm trying to work Harder than before to get good grades. I NEED to get good grades to get into college and to go onto my transcript. *sigh* so I'm tottally mad, and also, not a lot of teachers are putting in the grades yet, so I have a low GPA and it sucks.
Here's a rundown of my day today. I got to Algebra 2, tried to scramble to do my homework, then we got the new assignment (which I completed!) and then I went onto American History. That class is a snore bore, and it's so easy. Then I move on to Chemistry, which I hate, but I am trying my hardest not to fail at. It's so easy just to let go and not care about chemistry AT ALL. BUT I am not going to do that. Anyway moving on, fourth hour is Physcology and I LOVE that class with all my passion because it's so flippin easy. But there's a test coming up and he says the work may all be easy but the tests are hard, so he lets us use our notes. *sigh* Then I'm the library aid in fifth hour, and that was fun today because we talked about a lot of different things, mostly dealing with computers and stuff which was interesting for me. After that I had Junior English which is also a snore bore now because we have a sub for about 6 weeks since our regular teacher had to do a surgery (well wishes hutter!) and last I had forensics. Our first acting competition is Jan. 27 in TOPEKA. Guess who picked that date and location out? Not me. *sigh*
Today also happened to be the first day we were in ''Rehearsal'' for the school musical. We're doing 42nd Street, and I'm Abner Dillon. I wanted the lead but oh well, what can you do right? Before the meeting about how rehearsals would go though, me and my two other great friends went to mcdonalds (I GOT A SALAD, I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF) and we had tons of fun.
I tried to show you pictures of our trip but the uploader's being gay.
So anway, I gotta go to bed, but just know, that I'm planning on doing better in school, and working out more (which I DID Today, omg I'm so sore) and staying on top of things!
Later,
That's all.
Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Queen Trixie J.D. the First

There's bound to be some drama...

2007-01-11T20:37:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!

So I guess you're wondering what is with the picture. Well, if you read my blog, then you know that I always like to have a picture with my entry.

Tomorrow night one of the biggest events of my year happens...my best friend's b-day party! And we bought TONS of goodies. Just thinking about it makes me excited!

We invited a bunch of friends over, and we're going to watch movies and hang out and chat and listen to music, and have fun with our goodies. So I'm UBER effing excited. I just want the better half of tomorrow to be over by now!

As of right now, Operation: Boo is going good. We named it after my BFF, and my dad's going to be out of town. *knock wood* so hopefully everything goes down without a hitch.

I am so pumped for this party that I don't know how I'll sleep tonight. But I have to :( I didn't do my homework tonight, BUT! I have a good reason! I met this cute boy (from school, who has a bf...unfortunately) at Taco Bell and we talked for like EVER. It was so cool, because we've sort of become almost best friends. So I'm having fun getting to know him.

The sucky things are that he's a senior (and I a junior) and he has a boyfriend. It's so unfair because I like...liked him a lot before he started dating his boyfriend. But whatever, that ship has sailed. He's just a nice person and it's great to have someone another peer close to my age to talk about gay guy stuff with. The final step in our friendship would probably be when we start checking out guys together.

He's so funny. Tonight he said he thinks the new 'gay guy' phone is officially the LG Chocolate. Which is funny because I want one of those things....which also sucks because my phone contract doesn't allow for an upgrade for another two years. *sigh* I'm angry about that. Oh well.

Speaking of my phone, mine keeps making this horrible static/buzzing noise whenever I talk to someone on the phone and I don't know how to fix it. It gets really, REALLY annoying after a while you know?

Well I am conitnuing the search for life, love, liberty and I will always be in the pursuit of happiness.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

In the Pursuit of Happyness

2007-01-06T17:58:00.000-08:00

Ok, YES I do know that happiness is spelled wrong in the title, but I went to see the movie today.

But in order to explain why I chose it as today's title, I'll need to start from the beginning.

You see I woke up today around noon ( I know I'm lazy but hey, it was my first week back to school from X-mas break) So anyway, I woke up, ate breakfast with my dad and then got online. I saw that a good friend of mine was online and I sent her a message because we hadn't been hanging out together recently (not for the lack of trying, at least on my part) and she didn't reply. fifteen minutes later I was done online but still wanted to see her, so I texted her asking her if I'd done or said anything wrong because she seemed to be avoiding me a lot lately.

To which she replied: 'You only seem to call when you need something, and you only come over when your sister stays at my place when she comes into town.'

It's true. I had been recently asking a lot from her, and the last time I was at her apartment WAS to see my sister.

Despite all that though, I do have a reason for being friends with her besides the fact that she does a lot of things for me. See what she didn't mention though was that I had, on previous occasion, asked to see her during the week. to which she said no because she works full time and goes to school part time. Usually we'll catch each other at a local hang out though so it's all good. So I just never really ask to come over when I have free time on the week days because she has work, and not on the weekends because we usually see eachother at the hangout.

So I apologized and she said it was fine, and she's glad that I saw that it was a problem. Which would have been perfect...if I didn't have a brain. After we got off the phone, I started thinking about things. And after watching the pursuit of happyness tonight (great movie by the way) I got a call from my sister. We got on the subject of what was happening in our lives and this situation came up. Basically the phone call made me realize two main things.

1) Why should I be the one who always has to come see her, and why can't she ever call me?

2) She's done some things to me AND my sister that are pretty....shady shall we say.

Those two things have been rolling around in my mind. If you read this blog, you know that in my last entry I was talking about going through a transition in my life where I'm trying to improve things. That the new year gave my engine a jump start. I now realize that the things listed in the last entry that I deemed to work on, were just the tip of the iceberg.

I'm now considering improving my environment to improve myself. Meaning I'm thinking about who and what I'm surrounding myself with.

If I surround myself with positive things, I'll gain prosperity.

She no longer includes one of those things. I will not let her try to guilt me into doing all the work in the relationship, because she doesn't want to. That's not what a friendship is about, and until she learns the lessons on being a friend, I don't think I want to put myself around her.

Harsh you say?

That's not harsh that's reality.

Yes I admit that I had faults in the friendship...but that was before I realized that there wasn't one to begin with.

In conclusion, let's just saying I'm still taking closer looks at my life and beginning to see things in a new light.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.

A Queer New Year

2007-01-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!

Well It's officially 2007. I don't know about all of you, but I'm ready for a great Queer New Year. (p.s. don't you just LOVE my new year's outfit? I'm doing a pose of something you'll never see me do in real life *chuckle*)

This past year has been one of confusion, hurt, sadness, but also of happiness, joy and contentment. But it is with gladness that I look upon the year ahead.

Before I'd always hear people talking about how New Years was a fresh start for them; a clean slate. I never really understood what they meant about that. I always kept thinking about how that isn't true, and that their lives are ongoing still from last year and that just one day doesn't change that.

But now I realize, I've never had a purpose or reason to view new years like that until now. What is it that's different you wonder? Well a lot of thing really. I'm older for one thing, and for another a lot has happened to me since the beginning of last year. My mother has gone to afghanistan, my sister back to college, and I've started the journey of weight loss not long ago. Of course the holidays has made sure that my schedule has been set back a little but I don't mind it.

So upon celebration of new year's eve I was laying in my bed and reflecting on my life. There's so much I can do, so much I've said I would do and maybe before it hadn't meant anything to me, but with the crisis of my life that happened a few months earlier and with the knowledge that my mother could die in a foreign country at anytime (god forbid) I've decided to make this year mean something to me.

Except I'm doing it in a way that tottally re-invents myself to be exactly who I want ME to be. No more talk, I'm acting on things now. I'm going to lose weight for one...well continue to do so, more thoroughly and whole-heartedly. I'm also trying to teach myself some responsibility by getting a job, and I'm going to try and help out my dad some more. Yes you heard me correctly, even though I have no relationship whatsoever to speak of with him, besides the fact that he fathered me, I'm going to start trying to at least attempt to better our relationship.

If it doesn't work out, I'm going to college in about a year anyway, so it won't matter then. I'm also trying to better myself as a person, or at least be more the person I am, then the one I've tried to be. Meaning...I'm going to BE who I am rather than be the person I was while waiting to 'discover' who I am. Beacuse I believe that (at least for me) there's no ''finding'' myself, there's inventing myself. There's ''being'' myself. and that's not what I've been doing. *Sigh* I know you probably don't get what I'm talking about, but I do, and that's what matters.

In conclusion, let me just say, it's a new year, and I'm ready for it.
So bring it on.

That's all.

Signed,

A fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Love hurts in the variety of those who feel it in the Unrequited

2006-12-12T20:35:00.000-08:00

Wow. I just LOVED this movie. I saw it with my mother tonight and...it was beautiful. The wording was right, the acting was amazing, and it was happy in the places it was supposed to be, and sad in the places it seemed right at, and funny at the places that it's nice to be funny at.

Basically it was a movie after my own heart. It brought me really close to tears, which is hard to do to me for a movie, so it definitly gets my seal of approval. I just loved every minute of it.

Anyway, today in a nutshell, was good. School was a drag, but that seems to always happen when winter break (or spring break even) is near. So that's natural. I'm completely dreading finals. It's going to be a hellish ordeal for me. Mainly because I don't do too hot on regular tests and things like that.

Chemistry is going to be my WORST final to take I believe. I hate that class with a fiery passion. I'm trying to decide what major I want to do when I get into college...I'm thinking about literature/journalism/advertising. Not all of them, but those are my top choices. I want something to do with writing, but I also think it would be great to major in literature, and maybe be a book editor and write on the side.

But whatever, I don't know how I went off on THAT tangent.

Just know that I'm feeling happier in these days then I have in a while.

That's all,

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Fairy Power

2006-12-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

Well...My life right now is interesting. Meaning I feel like it's an out of body experience...or something.

First of all, mom is home, yay mom! I have loved seeing her again after so long, and I will continue to love seeing her. This weekend we'll be going to manhattan. First to go apartment shopping then to visit with family. I'm UBER excited.

But back to what I was talking about. I don't label what I'm feeling as depression, even though things are hard right now. But it's just that...I don't really feel anything about...anything. Besides my mother being here, which has been the highlight of what seems to be a few beige months.

What do I mean by beige you ask? Think of the color. Picture it in your mind. Go find a room or object that you know of with the color beige. Imagine staring at it for hours, or maybe even living in an all beige house and being confined to it. That's what my life has been like. Everything's been beige, the food is beige, the clothes are beige, the conversations are beige, the people are beige, it's beige. All if meaningless, all of it pointless...I'm indifferent.

I think maybe I've lost my mojo for life. You know, usually I try to be happy about life, and I take a positive spin on things...but...I can't seem to feel that anymore. I don't care anymore. The only thing I'm trying at is grades. And that's usually half-assed too. Luckily, I'm an actor, so no one has really known that life in Queen Trixie land has been beige.

I was watching 'Queer as Folk' the other night and...it was the episode in which Deb says to Emmet ''That famous flame of yours is just about out.'' I feel that way. I feel that way.

Emmet ends up going to this thing called a ''Fairy Gathering'' that ends up making him feel better because he has a talk with the founder. And the Founder of the group is moving rocks and Emmet is having trouble doing it, and the Founder says 'here give me that' and takes it without trouble. And emmet says that he's strong for an old fairy. The founder replies, "It's called Fairy Power. It's what sustains us; makes us strong. Sometimes we forget we have it, but it's there." I wish that I could feel/remember what it felt like to have my 'fairy power' if there is such a thing.

Anyway, I'm sure I've bored you all by now, but just know that I'm alright. For the most part, I'm alive, with a roof over my head, and a mother here who cares for me. Things could be better, but I will never forget that they could be worse, and I'll thank the lord everyday for what I have now.

As always, thank you for taking the time to read this.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

And all that Jazz...

2006-11-18T22:51:00.000-08:00

Well, as you may or may not have guessed, tonight was opening night. (lol, can you tell I love the musical Chicago?)

Anyway, tonight went fantastic! The play we're doing is called "The Lady Cries Murder." It's a murder mystery if you hadn't guessed. Not a thing went too terribly wrong, and the actors and actresses were actually getting along for the most part!

People kept saying "Good Luck" to me though, and if you're in show biz, you know that's not a good thing to say just before a show. You're supposed to say "Break a Leg" So I had to 'Knock Wood' to 'unjinx' it. I'm not usually very superstitious, but one time, someone said "Good Luck" to me before a show and a lot of terrible things happened that night during the play. So I've learned to be cautious.

Alright anyway, on to less boring things. I've just explained that the show was great, and after I was going to go to the cast party, but my sister came into town and EVERYONE loves my sister, so they HAD to see her. So some of the cast went with me and our group of friends to Village Inn (our fav hang out place) and had coffee and cigs. It was a fabulous time. Some of my graduated friends showed up for a while, so it was great to see them.

Ok...so you know how I was talking about the actors and actresses of the show? Well...on that note...I think I'm falling for a straghtie. *Big Sigh* alright...bad I know...but he's soooo sweet and so cute and adorable, and he's always giving me extra attention and winking at me and callin me babe. But see there's a dilemma...he's my best friend's ex. So that would not only be breaking the rules of best friendom, but feminism/fag hagism. *sigh* Also..that says he straight. It's just I sometimes wish that the extra attention he gives me is because he wants me and not because that's just who he is.

*BIG SIGH* Teenage drama. Do you miss it? I know I sure won't. Sometimes I feel like I'm so beyond ready to get out of high school and into College where there's less drama, because I look at these people I interact with everyday and I just think..'Wow, they're going to be stuck in high school mode emotionally for the rest of their lives.' and i'm so glad I'm over high school before I've even left it. I don't want to be stuck in high school mode emotionally for the rest of my life. I want to grow, move on, and expand myself to be better and achieve more. And that's the difference.

So I've officially gone off on a tangent, but I think that's what I do when I'm in a good mood. Well tomorrow is the last day. We're striking set afterwards and then supposed to go to one of the actresses' house for Cast Party, but I don't know if I'm going because she's a ****. A word that's so vile I don't want to type it. Only to be used on women when because they have one, they're being one.

Ok, well I'm going to get some rest cause a lot is going on tomorrow but I'll keep you all updated.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

I just move on

2006-11-08T20:31:00.000-08:00

I'm back! Ok everyone, I know I left you hanging with all that drama, and I should never do that again, but I have good news. I got tested and...was NEGATIVE!

You all don't know (or maybe you do) how much of a load off that is. It's like I can breathe for the first time, once more.

Anyway, I'll just move on, and talk about school. Not a whole lot has changed here, except for the fact that it's getting friggin crazy! I've got two projects due for one class, both before thanksgiving break on the 22nd, and then after that I have two projects due for a different class due before christmas break! What to do?

But I have something to calm my nerves thank goodness. And that is the play. I'm trying to do a podcast for the play called "A Dressing Room Companion" Where I interview different key members of the cast and then the director and manager. Well...as you may or may not have guessed, that ain't goin too hot. It's a good idea, I just should've done it sooner, seeing as Opening Night is the 18th.

In case one is wondering what play I am referring to, it's "The Lady Cries Murder". It's a fantastical play full of fanciful things. Well not really...but it will be pretty funny, if we play things right. We should be able to pull that off too, because we have a fantastic director. He's been director all of mine and my sister's high school careers, and he's great. I just can't wait to see what he has in store for us next year.

There are only about two main events I look forward to every year: the school play, and Forensics. If you don't know what Forensics is then let me tell you. First of all, no it isn't about science. It's acting competition. It's so fabulous! There are different categories like: Improvisational Duet Acting, Duet Acting, Poetry, Prose, etc.

Well I'm sure I've bored you to tears by now.

But yeah.

In short, I'm fine, so thank you for being there for me.

That's all.

Signed,

A fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Testing - 1,2,3

2006-10-11T20:06:00.000-07:00

Today I called in to a free health clinic to get tested...and they were closed. I don't know wether to be relieved or pissed. I know people keep telling me that I'm going to be fine, and that I'll probably be negative...and I wish I was as confident as them.

I looked up the Clinic information again, to get the right address, phone number, and business hours. It felt so surreal...that this all could be happening to me. I'm sure that if I'm positive, things will definitly change. Right now I should be on my knees praying to god, or bhudda, or somebody. But i can't bring myself to. I can't bring myself to make this more real to me than it is.

I cleaned for most of my evening. Cleaned my bathroom, my room. Top to bottom. Then I exercised, shaved, expholiated my face, and brushed my teeth. What would be the point though, if I am soon to get a positive result?

What the test results will be, I can not tell you. But what I can tell you is this: I will leave this experience, positive or negative, having learned something. I will learn that even though I think I have an infinite amount of tomorrows, and a shield of invincibility...I do not have either of those things. I will work to enjoy what I have, instead of complaining about what I don't have, because I didn't have to work to survive life.

If there is some higher power up there then maybe this is a test. Maybe this is a wake up call. One to tell me that I'm not getting everything out of life, or thankful for what I have, and this is the punishment. Not necessarily being positive, but being scared. Scared for my life.

So I am making an appointment tomorrow for 5:00 on Monday October 16. I'm glad someone is going with me. I'm sure I could find the place on my own, with enough time and patience, but I need the moral support.

Anyway, I have to go, but I just want to say...
Thank you,
To all of you who listen, give me advice, and encouragement.

-Queen Trixie J.D. the First-

These are my confessions

2006-10-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

This is Vic Grassi. He played an HIV positive man on Queer as Folk. He died in a later episode while sitting in his living room watching television.

I'm getting tested this week. My friend Suzie is taking me. When I was younger something happened that I really don't want to talk about. But yeah, now I'm going to get tested.

I'm getting tested and I'm scared shitless. I have a friend whom I recently met online, and he says I should not start going crazy, I should just wait patiently and level-headedly for the results to come in...so why do I feel like, even now, I'm already a gonner?

People I've talked about this to, have all told me not to worry, because I haven't started showing any signs of being positive. But that doesn't mean anything. A Man went ten years without showing any signs of HIV/Aids and he still had it.

I don't want to die. I'm not ready for that. A part of me thinks I'm being a little over-dramatic...but what if I'm not? What if the test results come back, and you all were being under-dramatic?

I know in this day and age, HIV/Aids doesn't mean the same thing as it used to, but to me it does. To me, the reading of the test results, and them being positive would mean a warrant out for my death.

I don't know what I'd do if I am positive. I do know that I'd at least think about suicide...but I would never do it.

Shit...I don't know anymore....

Wish me luck?

-Q. T.-

Halloween - eck

2006-10-08T14:36:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to decide what I want to wear for halloween. I'm Vice President of the Drama Club, and so I'm hosting the halloween party at my house this year. Of course under the right circumstances, it would be the bash of the year. But the circumstances are this: the drama club people will be there, not just my friends, my parents will be there, and we're all underage. Lol. Oh I know that sounds bad, but come on, think about it. It's basically like a school controlled dance if you want to get technical. So I'm sitting here trying to think of 1) what I want to wear to it, and 2) what decorations/music/food I want there.

So far, I've come up with two options that won't get tottally guffawed at the party. 1) V from V for Vendetta. 2) a Warlock/Wizard. I know corny, but I'm going to be something so much better for my personal halloween party. A sexed up devil. tehehe

Anyway, I gotta get back to planning this thing or I'm toast.

That's all.

Signed

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Fall is here!

2006-09-25T18:42:00.000-07:00

It's coming on fall, and the leaves are changing colors all around. Today, as I got up for school, I actually had to warm up my car, and put on a light sweater to keep warm. It's in the beginning stages where things are finally cooling down from summer, and it's nice. It reminds me of when mom was here, and I used to spend evenings at her apartment until I had to go home, and I'd bundle up in my jacket and scarf, and go down to my car and listen to Gwen Steffani on the way home...more than once late, so dad would call on my cell phone.

It may not seem like much but it's the memories like these that keep my warm heart even as the outside air gets cold. I can still smell the cinnamon she'd put in decorative baskets around her place, and even hear the laughter that filled the void.

I so miss her. Usually, I'll go about my day, and little things will trigger small memories or feelings or thoughts and it kind of keeps me going but at the same time makes me want to stop and just wait for her to come home.

Around this time of year is when I start to feel really happy about everything. It's like my life's high, and I'd have to say my favorite season. "I would send you a bouqet of newly sharpened pencils, if I knew your name and address" That's from you've got mail. It's quirky things like this I've discovered about myself around this time of year. Like I think a newly sharpened bouqet of pencils would be nice, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the smell of scotch tape. Especially on presents, but not because they're on presents, but because that's the easiest way to smell the tape.

The school play this year is in the fall, because that's the only way our music teacher would play the music for our school musical. So auditions were this friday and saturday, and today is monday. I wished they would have posted the dang cast list already, because it's killing my nerves, this not knowing. Everyone keeps saying how they're so sure I'm getting a part, but then why aren't I as confident in myself as they seem to be?

Anyway, I don't really want an answer, I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void.

So goodnight dear void.

That's All.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Breakdown

2006-09-13T20:18:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. What's going on? Like the pic? It's of Melissa Ethridge. I love her. I'm listening to her Breakdown CD right now. It just seemed fitting somehow.

I went to visit Ann today. Yeah that's right. Ann Sand. Can you believe it? It's been so long. A little bit longer than a year, but it seems like an eternity.

She looked good. I hadn't seen her (upclose) since she'd gotten her hair cut. It was a random, happen-stance way that we got together.

You see Suzie had met up with her in Minnesota (I believe) by chance, and they got to talking and they had a few drinks and had a good ole' time together, and then that was that. So about a weekend after their meeting, I was at Suzie's and she told me that she'd seen Ann, and a suprising thing occured. I suspected that I'd feel angry at Ann for being what I saw before as the cause of sooo many problems with my mother, but I didn't. What I felt was suprise. Like finding something I'd forgotten I'd had.

Ann hadn't been apart of my thoughts in a while. The last time I thought about her in fact was when my mother was here. She went and had drinks and dinner with Ann. Sort of as a goodbye thing I guess. I didn't see Ann then though. My mom said she had a good time.

Anyway, so I asked Suzie for Ann's number because I wanted to say hello after all this time. Well I called her up today after school and she answered her phone, and I asked what she was doing and she said she was going to work out at Emerald City. I was blown away! The last I'd heard from Suzie, was that she was at Fort Riley. Well no, she was here to do some work-related business.

So I said well how long you in town for? I think we should get together. She said, I'm in town for a few days, but yeah I'd love to get together! So then I asked what she was doin tonight, and she said she really didn't have much to do after she worked out, so we made a date to see eachother at 7.

I was suprisingly excited. (laugh) I told dad that I was going to a friends to study. I left home around...6:19 and returned some blockbuster movies dad and I had rented and then headed over to the holiday inn on Rock.

When I knocked, and she opened the door it was like...WoW. Things had changed so much from when I'd seen her! She looked fantastic. We hugged for like 10 minutes just hugging. It was like nothing else...then Suzie came out from her hiding spot in the bedroom, lol.

At first I was a little dissapointed because I thought it'd be just me and Ann, but I love suzie so it didn't matter too much.

We spent the first half hour or so just catching up on things, talking about what I do at school and the drama department, and all that jazz. Then we were trying to decide on what to watch on tv, and settled for ordering "Click" on the hotel menu. I'd seen the movie before, but the two of them hadn't, but it was still great.

Then around the ending minutes I said I'd better go (it was 9:30 p.m.) and so Ann and I hugged twice, on the couch, and I hugged Suzie, and then I was leaving and Ann followed me to the door and it was wierd, cause we couldn't stop hugging each other...She said "Gosh Jeremie, you've grown so much...Just...look at you...you're a young man." and she started to tear up. I hugged her one last long time, and promised to keep in touch. I was happy to see Ann but I didn't understand until I was at home what she was crying about. I was sitting there, eating a late dinner, and dad was sitting across from me reading the bible out loud, when I realized...She loved to see me. She loved seeing me, and I loved seeing her...and that, was more love (the crying) than I would get from my own father.

Also...I kind of suspect that the reason she was crying too was the same reason I almost started too back home...it's that, we both know and love (in her case have loved, intimately) my mother, and in a way it was like she was there again. It was like having a piece of her there with us. And she wasn't just hugging me, she was hugging my mother. They were almost serious partners. They were planning their future together, and when you do that with someone you love them deeply.

Circumstance and life happened, and they're not together anymore, but you can never erase the memories, and the feelings of loving someone. Never, never.

So all in all it was a fantastic, and emotional time for us both, but it was wonderful, and I wouldn't take it back.

That's all.

Until Next Time,

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie Jeremie Donald the First.

Come on Barbie Let's Go Party! OH OH OH YEAH

2006-09-05T18:18:00.000-07:00

What better way to start off a post, than a very homosexual song, and a pic of a cute boy?

So anyway, even though my exterior appears all happy and things, life isn't as generous as it seems.

But you know what they say about when life gets you down? "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swiiiimmming, what do you do, you swim, keep swimming..." or maybe that's Dory on Finding Nemo...either way it has the same message doesn't it! Don't let life get you down.

I'm doing fine I guess. Although things w/ dad could be better. He's nice to me and everything, but he's just a father and not a dad...and YES there is a difference. Any male can FATHER a child, but it takes someone awesomely special to be a dad. My dad meets my needs as a teen. Such as giving me money when I need it for school related stuff, and even when it's not school related, or buying me school clothes/supplies...but honestly, there's no real substance to our relationship...if there was, I'd be able to tell him I'm gay and not be afraid of what his reaction will be.

But on to less depressing matters. School's going ok. My least favorite subject in the whole wide world is Chemistry because it sucks major monkey balls...my favorite is a close tie between Speech (cause it's easy) and Teacher's Assistant for Mr. Anderson, our new english teacher who replaced Ms. Foresburg. (sadly) Except today when he had me stack books in the book closet...they were heavy and there were a lot, and the door had to be re-unlocked all the time. It was friggin ridiculous.

I have no love life, so moving on...

Exercising is going alright I suppose...I've just started a workout blog, which you should all check out at: http://jesuisfattygay.blogspot.com/

Anywho, that was just a short and sweet little update. I hope you enjoyed it.
If you wanna hang out or talk or something gimme a holla!

That's All.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man,

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Indulge Yourself.

2006-08-15T20:04:00.000-07:00

Nice title right? Say it! It just...*sounds* nice doesn't it? Indulge yourself. Anyway I'm kind of angry that this stupid thing wouldn't upload a damn photo to the page. Pissed me OFF.

So today was alright I guess. I stayed up till like three or four in the A.M. and didn't get up till like 11. (Ooopsies) I was supposed to go to be early and get up early to get used to my schedule...but that didn't happen.

So I got online for a while, and then around twelve something or other, I got out of bed and into the shower. I showered got all hot and awesome, and then drove to the atm to pick up some money and fill up my tank. (It needed it badly) Then I got some mcdonalds, and then went to Tarin's house to swim.

David, Tarin, and Brittany S. were there. We stayed out of the pool for about and hour or so and then went out and got in. It was fun. Then we were drying off and Tarin's mom brought out something called "Santa Fe's" They looked like pinwheels but with this wierd white substance in the middle that looked suspiciously like sour cream but tasted nothing like it.

So after that we drove Brittany home so she could ready for her job at sonic (ick) and when we got back to Tarin's we tried to play with her Ouija board which...didn't work...So instead we played air hockey. I won when I played against David, and lost when I played against Tarin. We got bored with that so we moved on, and I taught them how to play Presidents and Assholes. It was a good time kicking their asses.

I kept forgetting all the time that tomorrow we have school and so everytime Tarin would mention it, I would be like...What?? and then be like 'Oh yeah...dang.' Speaking of school, she said she's planning on going to KU!!!! How friggin awesome is that going to be? Going to school with my sister AND my best friend? We're going to take KU by storm.

I left around five something, and headed home, and arrived just as dad did. He asked me where I went and I explained I'd gone to Tarin's pool party. He cooked dinner (hamburger helper, ICK) and then I called bekah. I tried calling Andrea and Suzie to see if they wanted to go to Starbucks but they said no. So I called Bekah. She was hesitant, saying it was a school night, but she relented. I drove to pick her up and then we went through the drive through at Starbucks because I decided that the night would be dedicated to one thing. Indulging.

We drove to Wal-mart where we proceeded to the candy section. "Bekah," I'd said "The thing we need to make our first day back less painful, is something sweet...CANDY!" So I bought us big bags of candy. We got cream savers, pixie sticks, gum and starbursts. We were trying to go to the toy section to pick out a toy we could play with during class but that didn't really work out :( The toy selection sucked major monkey vagina.

Afterwards we got back into the car and I drove her home, and we split up the candy so we'd both have something sweet to have with us the next day, and then I drove home. Now I'm sitting here typing this because I'm not sure what else I want to do yet. But I want to do at least one more thing to indulge myself, bring a sweet close to summer, and make going to school tomorrow seem a little less painful.

That's all.

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the first

Pieces of Me

2006-08-08T19:16:00.000-07:00

Well, the title seems to be alright, but the subject matter is...ugh.
I'm tired of my life. My familial life with my father...and I use the term loosely. I'm tired of pretending things are ok, and that we like eachother, and I'm tired of making small talk about nothing that interests me, and I'm tired of feeling like everytime I'm with or near my father I have to shut down myself. Shut down who I really am.

It's true, that I do shut my true self down around him because he would never accept the real me. He's a sexist, bigoted, asian who doesn't know any better and I just wished things were different.

Almost every day I go through scenarios where I tell him who I really am, and each reaction is different. Sometimes he's angry and kicks me out and I tell him to fuck off, and sometimes that's like the bridge we needed between us that spans across the bottom-less pit that is our relationship, because I was finally free and honest and able to be me.

It hurts to have to hide, but what hurts worse is the fact that I know without a doubt that most of my scenarios are just dreaming, that he'd problem do something worse like send me into a group of church counselor's who would tell me that I'm evil, and that a demon lives inside of me.
So often I find myself just wanting to run away...but I know that I can't do that. It would just make things worse for me, and their opinion of me (which matters not to me) would sink lower and lower.

And really, the only thing that has kept me going this far is because I know that if I stop pretending then it will all be real for this family. And this family will break into pieces and never have a chance in hell of being whole.

And so I act.

-Trixie-

It's a Big Gay World

2006-08-08T06:18:00.000-07:00

That's right, it's one big gay world, so Fuck off Fred Phelps! Anyway, guess what? I woke up today at 7 A.M.!!!!! Shocking isn't it? Almost as shocking as this crazy green color that seemed ugly to me just moments ago.

So my weightloss thing hasn't been going very well. Seantella had been working on a diet plan for me but then at the last minute she decided I wasn't ''committed enough" which really pissed me off because she didn't even get the chance to see that I would be committed to doing her plan. I told her, "I'm going to laugh when you come back and I'm all skinny." and she had the nerve to say "Ok whatever, I doubt it." That's really been a great motivational tool for me. To be able to say, "You know what Seantella, I am losing this weight and I will be thin biatch!"

Onto more 'exciting' matters, and I use the term exciting loosely. I've most definitly become obsessed with Chakotay/Paris Slash. It's two characters from 'Star Trek: Voyager' that I'm tottally in love with. Some of the stuff I've found is PURE genius...*hears the sound of laughter and pointing fingers*...Yeah yeah, laugh at the big gay geek.

I've spent countless hours of my time reading some of the best fiction there is, and it's only served to inspire me to write my best as well. Original and Fiction.

So I'm really bored this week now that Crystal has up and moved to her new appartment. It's been like a void in the house that screams 'Crystal's not here' everytime I'm upstairs and don't hear the familiar pounding of the keyboard keys from her room. On Wednesday I'm going to the high school to film a film for Dakota to enter into 'Tallgrass Film Festival'. I hope everything goes according to his plan because he's even spent between $80-100. It's crazy; he's really depending on everyone to do a great job for him. The script is hilarious by the way. I absolutely love it.

Suzie's back from wherever it is she went again, and instead of moving into Melissa's like she had originally planned, melissa has now moved over to Suzie's because she has termites in her house and as suzie says "I don't play that" I still have to return her movie "Monster in Law" and I'm now feeling the strange urge to borrow Queer as Folk from her again. *sigh*

School will be starting soon, to my dismay. I will miss this lounging and stress-free summer days and nights...a lifestyle to which I've become accustom. I suppose though, that the sooner the year starts, the sooner it will be over. I'm drama club Vice President this year!!!!! I'm excited for that. Really I am. I think I can make a difference and bring order and fun to the club, as long as everyone on the board sticks together and knows just to have fun. Of course with Bekah as our president that shouldn't be a huge problem. The only thing I'm worried about is ACT scores. I don't think mine are going to be high enough. Yada Yada Yada. So basically school this year is going to be half pleasant, but not really because it's...school.

That's all.

Signed

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie Jeremie Donald the First

Planner

2006-07-27T14:59:00.000-07:00

Well...I'm updating again. And I know my title probably doesn't make any sense, but I'm just using this update time to tell you all what's been happening with me, and what has been on my schedule these past few days.

Carissa and I have been hanging out a lot lately, and we've also been playing Crash Bandicoot on playstation obsessively. It's hilarious! We're planning trips to the pool every afternoon now-a-days so that we can get tanned and exercise.

Speaking of which, I'm doing alright on the diet part I suppose, but I could be better. Seantella's made me a specialized work out plan that I get if I complete one Full Week of dieting. It's going to be tough because I'm already dieing from the lack of diet-friendly food in our house.

Today was alright I suppose. We both woke up around 8 and drove over to Goodyear on rock so Carissa could get her tires replaced, then I drove her back home and we made some lunch and coffee. I had cereal. Then I did an interview for her for my online magazine (http://divanews.tripod.com/divanewsnetwork/) and I also taped it for our Diva-mentary.

Anyway then I drove her back to the goodyear place and once we got there she realized that she forgot to get online today to get mom's credit card number to pay for the tires she got put on. So she called dad and asked if he could just foot the bill and then mom would pay him back. He flat out told her no, because "He was tired of us planning things behind his back and then letting him know last minute." How fucking retarded is that? So even though his daughter needed the money otherwise she wouldn't get the car, he wouldn't give her the money. Finally he relented but Carissa wasn't having it. She went ahead and searched for an old goodyear receipt and they accepted it as mom's card number. In my opinion that makes her resourceful, and responsible. But nope, Dad still isn't happy, and he's going to ''Sit down and Talk about stuff'' when he gets home from work.

So I cleaned up the house and Carissa went over to Seantella's so that she could help her clean Suzie's place. Now I'm just sitting here waiting for someone to get home. I friggin starving!!!

That's all I have to say, except that today, before going home I went to Barnes & Noble and bought a brand new 2006-2007/2007-2008 planner. It's really cool looking and handy to have. I love it already.

That's all.

Signed

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First.

Day 11

2006-07-12T14:21:00.000-07:00

Well today marks day 11 in my 31 day adventure. I know I called it my 'Thirty Days' program but I looked and July has 31 days actually -_-'.

Anyway I've decided that I'm not going to have the forum up anymore since no one has joined.

(Do you like the pic of me? I'm eating an apple!)

Here's an update for you though on my progress:

Food wise I've been doing ok, and that's good because it's the only part of the program I've been doing lately. I've been making smart choices when snacking, although I have troubles at meal times because I always want to pic the most delicious and most fattening thing on the menu.

Liquids wise, I've been drinking water at night, but I don't usually drink anything during the day and when I do I'm at a restaurant and that usually leads to pop although I do order a side of water usually too.

Now for the workout progress. There isn't any. But that's all about to change, especially since Today marks the exact amount of 20 days left for me to finish this thing out. The reason I only say 20 is not because I'm going to stop after the 20 days, but because the first 30 are always the hardest.

Today I'm going to the Air Force base for a class. Water Aerobics. I know, I know, pathetic. BUT! When I get home, after dinner, I'm going to spend an hour on the treadmill and then do some minor crunches and pushups and all that jazz because I know that Water Aerobics isn't really all that cardio-oriented.

I really am trying, but it's hard without inspiration or support. I'm doing this alone it seems and the summer is almost over. I think if I can just grab onto something and let myself be driven by it, then that'd help. And trust me, I'm grabbing onto everything so far. That's what's even keeping me updating you on the situation is because I'm determined. Normally I'd have given up by now.

Well I'd best go. Class is starting soon.

And I don't intend to miss it.

-Trixie-

Thirty Days - Day two

2006-06-30T13:33:00.000-07:00

Well...Day two is upon me, and for day one, I think I did pretty well! I mean I didn't exercise, and I don't think I will for about a week, because I'm just getting the feel of this whole diet thing.

Yesterday I had the following things to eat:
Breakfast - nothing

Lunch - Salad, Turkey sandwich, Berry Koolaid, with a side of vegetables and ranch dipping.

Dinner - A Fabulously made chicken & pasta entree, with milk and salad. Portion: One piece of chicken and small bowl of salad with ranch dressing.

Snack - Crackers and yogurt with koolaid

Today I had:
Breakfast - 1 bowl of cereal (Frosted Flakes) and 2 cups of coffee.

Lunch - probably nothing

Dinner - it's only 3. So I don't know yet.

----------------

I know that's not all that exciting to read, but I needed to log it out so I know what I'm eating. When I go to the fridge or to open a cabinet to scrounge up something to eat, I'm finding that, even two days in, I'm trying to be a little bit more healthy.

Before this thirty day plan, I would have had 3 bowls of cereal for breakfast, frozen pizza or even popcorn for lunch and then fast food for dinner, and popcorn for a snack. Now I feel so much better knowing that I'm watching what I eat, and how often I eat.

For the work out part...I think I'll start to go on walks after dinner or something to that extent, but it just has to be fun, and something I don't need a car or money to get to. Either way I need to start doing it.

Well...
That's been a two day count of the thirty day program!

Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man
Queen Trixie Jeremie Donald the First

Thirty Days

2006-06-27T21:54:00.000-07:00

Well, come Thursday, July will be in full bloom. We all know this means many different things for many different people. For me it means approximately 30 more days of summer freedom. Well 30 days and then how many more days after that in august untill school starts.

Now I figured I could do a few things with this time: Write some stories, get a tan, etc. etc.
But what I really wanted to do, I remind myself scoldingly, is lose weight. Oh sure, I've heard that before. I've told myself every summer that I'm going to lose weight...and it hasn't happened. So summer after summer Carissa doesn't fail to remind me that I'm still a 'big one' or 'Ogre'.

So instead of having that last Will & Grace marathon, attempt at a man-tan, or even waking up every day at noon, I've decided that I'm going to challenge myself

I have Thirty Solid Days. Thirty solid days of nothing ahead of me. Yeah sure i'll get invited to a few parties, and there's that family vacation coming up soon, but that's what'll help keep the challenge fresh and interesting, and keep me on my toes.

Here's the plan, in case anyone wants to join me.

Dieting:

Dieting is an important part of any exercise regime. It not only speeds up results, but it helps get you into shape, even if your body is thin already. My diet will consist of simple properties, that will colaberate together to help with the weight-loss agenda.

Small portions - Eating smaller portions at restaurants and at home, will help in the long run. Restaurants or fast food joints often offer smaller proportioned meals for those who can't handle the bigger size. Or in the case of fast food, they offer small sizes. Now all I have to do is just order the smaller size at fast food restaurants and for the dine-in ones, just eat my fill and no more. No pointless overstuffing.
Making Healthy Choices - Instead of that frozen pizza, or even that whole bag of popcorn I usually grab for when snacking, a light snack consisting of fruit, yogurt, or even granola bar would be a WAY better choice. They are not only more healthy but come in a better portion size package. Not only are you eating healthy, but you're eating healthy with small portions. Which, by the way, is what a SNACK consists of.
Liquids - Most of the time when out at restaurants, which nowadays is quite often, I will usually order some sort of soft drink beverage (coke or pepsi) But by choosing water most of the time, and milk and juices the rest of the time I will considerably help the dieting process.

Now for the exercise regime. This is not one I will be able to follow at all times, but the following guidelines do help.

You see, I only have thirty some odd days to get down to a size 34 (at the very very least; 32 at the most) and I am currently in between sizes 36/38. So, in order to do this right and get the results I want, I have to be working constantly at it...NO slacking off!

Some sort of Aerobic exercise, or any activity, that gets my heart rate up and makes it stay up for a LIMITED time of 30 minutes.
Weight Training - This helps in ANY weight loss program. Weight training not only builds muscle but helps the fat burning process immensly.
Toning exercises - When losing weight one must always remember to tone their muscles. If not you will be left with the flabby leftovers of fatty days. You do NOT want that to ruin the glow of a newly thinned out and awesome body.
REQUIRED: Must do ALL of the above through the week at the very MINIMUM of once.

This is my thirty day challenge. Not only to myself...but to you as well. If you are also tired of looking at yourself in the mirror and only doing the bare minimum, then this is the thing for you. Besides I could use a little support.

I know it's not going to be easy, especially with my goals being so time-oriented, but I'm going to attempt this. To make it easier for me, I'm going to create a forum. For all those participating in the challenge to post in. I'll also be tracking my progress through here.

Forum link:
http://thirtydays.proboards22.com/

For those competing in the challenge, they can come here, and share tips, information, and strategies. Also just to talk about their life and how their weight has affected their lives.

Until next post,

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie Jeremie Donald the first

Thinking

2006-06-23T00:03:00.000-07:00

I'm just thinking tonight.
And maybe that's a bad thing.

Tonight, while over at my friend Andrea's house I came across a picture of this guy I used to really like. In fact I think he was the only guy, in my life so far, that I've come close to loving.

I felt the most horrible stab of longing when I looked into his eyes in the picture. Longing to go back in time and stay there forever. A time when I thought he loved me, and I thought we were going to date and be happy for a long while. A time where I felt wanted. In fact...one of the few times in my life that I have.

Is it wrong? To want him still, when he was so cruel to me in the end. So non-attached, and like I was his play thing to throw away at will.

I see people, like a dear friend of mine, become consumed with their first love. The person they truly gave their heart to, is exactly the person they refuse to let go of.

I look at people like that and I don't want to be that person. I don't want to base every one of my future relationships off that one person. I don't want to live my life in that period of time, one which is long gone.

But...but I don't want to forget it either. As painful as it was for me, it's the reason I'm the person I am today.

Yes that may not be a great thing because as yesterday's entry points out, I have my flaws, but I realize that though I'm not perfrect, I never will be. My flaws are not what define me, they are merely a part of the whole person I am.

Without the experience, I would still be that...that freshman child who looks at the world and at love, as romantic notions where there are no tomorrows and no days of pain and tears. Without the experience I would be living a lie.

In his eyes I was flawed, I...didn't meet his standards. Hell I don't meet my own standards. But I can use that I think. I can use that as a striving point to make myself everything he didn't think I could be.

And that is something I never want to forget...Something I may even learn to cherish and look back on nad think...WoW...I did it. I've become who I wanted to be.

So Is it wrong to miss him? No. It only serves to remind me of what I don't need.

Until next time.

Loving you,

Signed,

A Fabulous Gay Man

Queen Trixie J.D. the First

Me, Myself, and a Mirror

2006-06-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been in summer mode. I promised myself that I would work on everything this summer...hygeine, weight, personality...everything. So far I've accomplished nothing.
Tonight I had an awakening. One that I truly did not want, nor did I see coming. My family had pizza tonight for dinner, and as I got done eating I felt that there wasn't enough pepsi for anyone to care so I took the bottle down to my room. Crystal said she wanted some pepsi but she sort of said it in a bad way.
By the end of the argument we inevitably got in, I felt tottally perplexed about how we got there. We were talking about me and how I act. My arrogance, my selfishness, all of it...people notice those things and have problems with it. What I don't understand is...why I can't see these things myself. I desperatly want to because I don't want to end up like Andy, where most everyone talks about him behind his back and hate him. Yes, I have a big head about myself, and I don't feel bad about that. I won't. But...there were things said by Suzie and other people (whom she didn't name) that I realize is true, and didn't realize I did. It's true for example that I go to Suzie's house and eat her food and then don't put things back and then don't think her. I can make excuses, like her telling me and crystal that we can come in and so just that because we're lik her surrogate children. But I won't. Because even if she did so, I realize that I do take advantage of that.
All I want to do right now is crawl into a crevice, or lock myself in my room, and do the world a favor and never come out. But...when talking to a friend. A true, good, dear friend of mine, she said this about my feelings towards myself:

"Sometimes you just have to realize, you're the only one who controls your life, and not everyone can turn you into someone you arn't, no matter what they say... Some people might complain, but you know, if people weren't different, then where would we be? Thats the great thing about friendship, although we have our likes and dislikes about eachother, we still care enough about eachother to ignore the bad and love the good!"

I was astonished. Someone who I have been through hell and back with still finds it in her to love me today after everything said and done to eachother.

I realize that I do need to work on some of those things, but at the same time, I am me...

And that's the best part about myself.

The Shape of Things

2006-05-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

So I guess I should update and things. Anyway. Things are going alright. Summer is finally here, and I couldn't be more glad. There is a time in our lives where we wonder about ourselves. If we're happy with who we are, or if we should change ourselves to better ourselves, or be more like we want ourselves to be. There are many things I've been wondering about these past few weeks of school, and have decided that it's time for a change. I want to just be me, and be me for myself and not for anybody else. And really, that's where true happiness lies right? Within ourselves. Only we can create our own happiness, and only we can stop ourselves from achieving it.
Well that's all I have right about now, but I think I'll go take a shower and watch a movie with my grandma.
Signed
A Fabulous Gay Man
Queen Trixie Jeremie Donald the First

Updating

2006-05-01T19:47:00.000-07:00

Well I'm updating. It seems that there is someone who reads my blog after all! (LOVE YOU DAWN) Anyway don't you just love the pic?
Not much is going on in my life...except...THREE WEEKS ONLY LEFT OF SCHOOL! OH MY GOD! Can you believe it? Goodness time sure flies. I have that much time to bring up my grades or else I'm sliced salami. Ugh. Oh well right? I think I can handle that. I should be able to anyway. Just three classes I need to REALLY worry about.
Damn geometry.
I really want to get a job too. I need some extra cash flow income. I'm going to start applying like crazy once I can. The only place I can apply right about now, is the Village Inn on Rock Road. And I tried that once, but I handed it to a host, so I got a tip you're supposed to speak to the manager. So I think I'll redo my application and then turn it in again.
Anyway I got a big day ahead of me tomorrow. And big because I've decided to take each day of life with a ferocity of happiness and stop being such an...Ogre.
I know last year I said I was going to lose hella weight during the summer, and didn't, but this year, I think I'll finally do it. Turning sixteen, and my mom being gone are two factors that really play into that. Both are major events in my life, and both mean some turning point in my life, and why not start that turning point on a good note?
So with that, I bid you all a goodnight.
loving you all
Signed
A Fabulous Gay Man
Queen Trixie Jeremie Donald the First

What of it...

2006-03-23T19:24:00.000-08:00

I still come here. I guess. I still use this journal as an escape. My friends use other journaling systems now, and this one has been long forgotten. But I seek refuge here. Refuge for my thoughts. For myself.

What of it? What of this world? What does it all mean?

Things of this nature, confusing things, are running through my head over and over and over again.

I'm so...I don't know what I am.

Lost
Confused
Inspired
Distraught
Gloomy
Angry
Selfish
Disgusted

I'm lost in thought.
Confused about myself.
Inspired to be my best.
Distraught because of my confusion which was lost in thought.
Gloomy because I am distraught.
Angry because I don't know so much about myself.
Selfish because I think of no one else that deserves my thoughts more than these issues do.
-Disgusted at what I've become.

So what of it?

2006-01-20T20:04:00.000-08:00

I just...want to be happy. I'm trying to figure out how I can do that. but I can't. It's seems so far away. So out of my reach.

why?

Updating

2006-01-03T19:36:00.000-08:00

Well. This is the beginning again. A New Year, and a new life. Ok, maybe not all that dramatic as a new life...but a changed one.

My mother is going away overseas again. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I think that's because I haven't allowed myself to feel anything but indifference. That's because this would be the third time she's going to go, and you'd think that by now I'd be used to the idea. But I'm not. It's still scary as hell, and the only difference is that this time, when she told me, I didn't cry.

She's going to be missing some more things. Not just Carissa's things this time, but also some life events that will be occuring in my own life. Like my Sweet Sixteenth Birthday. She'll miss that. or a year of Carissa's college life, and the summer time. She'll miss that too.

I don't doubt that she loves us, and that isn't a thought that's crossed my mind. She's doing this for her this time. She's going there in hopes of building a better life for herself, and leaving behind the shackles of her old self. She deserves to have what she wants, and I respect her greatly for doing this. She is going overseas to a war-zone torn country, where she's putting her life at risk (however minimal, there's still risk) so that she can raise enough money and come back and quit her job so she can start fresh on her own. Nobody to tell her what to do, or how to think, or even how to act.

So in that respect yes, I admire her. She's a strong woman. It won't be easy, and she full well knows that. But she's going to do this anyway.

When she returns from these trips I always feel like she's changed so much, and then I'm forced to look at myself, and I realize...Wow. Nothing's changed. Sure, I'd have a haircut there, or a few new clothes here. But I think I realize, and she realizes, each and every time, that I have done nothing for myself and nothing to better myself. So I'm trying to change that this time. To a point where when she gets back, I can look at her and look at me, and we can realize together that we've made something out of ourselves. We're different people then we were, and that...that is something new.

*kisses and love*

Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
J.H.

I fucking hate my dad...

2005-11-27T19:42:00.000-08:00

Well I fucking hate my dad...if that's any new news..

On Saturday when we got back into Andover, dad dropped off robin, and he was suddenly turning in to super cuts. "Dad what are you doing?" "We're getting a haircut."

So I was fucking forced to get a hair cut...what a waste of my time...then mom calls and asks if I can spend the night and go to this homo-friendly church with her on sunday. So I tell dad mom's found a church and she wants me to check it out with her. He says yes, and I go over to mom's after cleaning up. She told me she was going out with Suzie to the Loony Bin ( a comedy club) and she'd be back. Around eleven I texted her asking for her to bring some french fries when she gets home. She calls me a few minutes after that and tells me that she didn't know what I wanted to eat so we'd just go down to get something to eat together. So she picked me up and we ended up at Jimmie's Diner. Good food + Good Conversation= Longer than an hour's time. By the time we get back to her place it's about midnight to one-ish. So she goes to bed and I stay up and watch t.v. for another half hour.

Next day, we both get up late, because of the night we had before, figuring it's no big deal. We have a good time, pick up some christmas stuff and go grocery shopping. We get back to her place at six, and I go home. Dad's at Bible Study and so I finish some homework, and clean my room. Next thing I know, dad's in my room picking up "Trash" and cleaning up.

"Dad...stop..I already cleaned my room"

"Ok. So how was your mom's church."

I thought about lying and saying we went, but he was also asking me what church we went to.

"We weren't able to attend." I was hoping to throw him off with some fancy words.

*He Pauses; gives me evil look* "Let me make something clear. This family serves god. I want my son to go to church, and I don't want ANY *yells that part* Distractions from that. Do I make myself clear?"

"Dad-" (I thought I'd argue at that point I just decided that he's dumb and won't care) "Sure Dad".

So basically he ruined a good evening, and he's dumb, but in ten years I'll be able to say: Dad, fuck you, I'm gay, I have a hot boyfriend whom I fuck everynight, and you're dumb and by the way mom's a lesbian but that's not why she left you, it's because you're a dumb fuck, and your daughter's a lesbian and we all hate you, and you're dumb...so die...

Anyway, I vented, I'm done, I'm calm, I'm fine, I'm over it.

loving you all,
Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Jeremie

New Journal...I know I'm a journal whore

2005-11-26T16:48:00.000-08:00

I got a new journal..so I'm just going to list out all I have:

Blogspot

Xanga: silverdragonboi15

Yahoo 360: jeremie0203

Myspace: silverdragonboi15

loving you all:
Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Jeremie

Been a Long Time

2005-11-09T14:34:00.000-08:00

Yes, it has been a long time since I've updated. Anyway, not much has gone on here. Today was alright, I suppose. I FINALLY got my class ring. It looks so good. THANK YOU SUZIE!

Also, today was Grim Reaper day. I had fun with that, considering the fact that this morning I was an hour late to school from oversleeping. Yeah, so they didn't really care that I was gone, but I was freaking out and had no idea today was grim reaper day. I was like OH MY GOD!

It was really boring, but on the plus side, it means I have no homework. I found out at lunch though that ELBY! had major heart surgery, and the school system didn't let anyone know until today, which the operation happened this morning. But the point is the EFFERS should have told us, so we could send encouragement cards before the surgery. I was so angry about that. I really wondered where Elby went.

I'm on slim fast now thanks to my wonderful mother. It's better than most dieting drinks and things, but I don't know how I feel about it. Oh well, anything to help my fat bum. I'm also just trying to do my best to stay motivated in exercising. Mom said all she has to do is look at herself naked, lol. I laughed at that one. I am drinking more water though, and I think it's helping.

In other news, I've recently taken up going to this GLBT Meeting Group called PFlag: Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Of course it isn't only the parents and friends that go, and it isn't only lesbians and gays, but it's still fun. The other night Myra and I went to a moie night over there. It was great fun, and I met a Lesbian Version of Tanya Dockers. The hair and sexuality is the only difference. She has black hair, and she's a lesbian, but other than that...HELLO TANYA! lol.

Anyway, I have some other stuff I want to be doing and I just thought I'd take a moment to share and care...or share...w/e.

Loving you,
signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Jere

I'm updating, to keep you all in the loop.

2005-10-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

Well tonight was alright I guess. I went to the mall, and picked up a hot ass outift, that will have people drooling all over me. Also, I went to suzie's place. Although we didn't spend too much time there, before we went to the Derby Sonic to bug Myra. Then as we left, Myra got off of work, and she came over to Suzies.

Goodness the pooties are getting huge. Carissa, you know how Dude was fat before? Well imagine how he looks know, all grown up. Time flies I guess. So yeah, back to the story...

Myra came over and we all had a cigerette. (Yes even suzie! I know amazing!) And, we got on the subject of Carissa smoking now...which Myra apparently's not happy about. Cause when the subject was brought up she was all "Ugh...I'm not even gonna say anything." Then she took a drag on her own cigerette....

So then, Mexica calls on Myra's cell phone, and she asks about Starbucks. Of course Suzie and Myra and I don't really get a lot of time together anymore, what with Myra's new job, and Suzie working again too...and myra being a...well yes.

We get to Starbucks and we all order, and Suzie pays (Thank you Suzie!!!) and then Suzie's order comes up first, and she grabs it and walks out to the table. Then Mex and My order, and then they start to leave, and as they start leaving they're all: "Hey J, thanks for taking our drinks to the table for us." Then I was all clueless and like: "Uh, what the F***?" So myra was all, "Hey J, Seniority rules." and then she and Mex walk out laughing.

Of course, those who know me, know that I'm no one's bitch. ESPECIALLY not to Mex who doesn't really try to be my friend a whole lot, and the girl who threw a 7 month (it was 7 right?) relationship down the drain with my sister...which in lesbian years, they were together for 2 years and four months!!!!

Anyway, so I call Carissa and bitch about it for a few minutes, and then go out there. I take the drinks, and leave Mex's and Myra's on the table that's on the other side of ours. They're all looking at me like I'm crazy. So I say: "Seniority may rule, but I'm not your bitch."

So anyway, later, after mex leaves, Myra starts to talk about how she's scared of when Carissa and Mine mom comes home, and how she's intimidated by her. Ok, so I'm not entirely mean...I mean even though Myra is tottally been avoiding me, I still am her friend. I won't be low and not be her friend about this. So I try and comfort her.

Anyway, I gotta go to bed kids. I love you all,
J

Feeling It

2005-09-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

See this picture? Voyager is getting attacked. I picked this one for todays entry because the people I know and love are getting attacked.

Not physically, but emotionally. In some way, shape, or form, something has been happening to each and every person I know and love, one by one.

Carissa with the break-up, Myra with the Break-up, Emily with her break-up, Brittani and Mandi and some others dealing with getting their heads bitten off by Emily. Tom with his heartbreak, Kendra with her family and boyfriend problems, our mom and family with her being deployed.

All this seems so small, but small things add up like no other. I hate it. There's lots of crying and depression, and sadness. It's so...dramatically angsty. I'm trying not to be...but...

But the people I love most are getting attacked, and that affects alot. Alot of things, alot of people. Through actions, words, or ministrations it doesn't matter, it affects someone or something.

And that's exactly what this is about. The People I love are getting Attacked and I'm feeling it. I wish it would just go away, but if it were that simple, I would be much happier by now. I'm not the one that should be complaining about these things, but I'm the only one that seems willing. They're the ones getting hurt, and they cry out in their own way, but other than that they try to act like everything is ok. Even though I'm not at the center of most of those problems, I still feel worry, or anxiety over them and I just...can't help it. It sucks, and I wish thoroughly that things can get better soon. Not just for me, but for them. Because if things get better for them, then most likely they will be better for me.

I'm so tired all of the time. I fall asleep almost too instantly and go to bed too early these days. It's so wierd, I don't even know how I end up falling asleep like I do. I think something's wrong. I shouldn't be able to do that. I know it's not sleep deprivation, because hell, like I said, I go to bed way too early and don't wake up till morning...

Mom put lunch money on my card. I was kind of pissed at myself. I didn't mean to make her spend extra money on me just because of a journal entry. I took the money, and am using it as lunch money, but I still feel guilty.

I wonder how she is doing. I know she gets tired alot too...and that she worries about coming home and stuff. I hope she knows I love her alot, and that she'll always be doing things right in my eyes. I miss her alot, and I know everybody else does too. Once she's back, I think...I hope everything will be better for everyone.

I'm so effing tired. I woke up from sleeping at ten, and I forced myself to get up and do something. It's unnatural. Anyway, it's about ten twelve right now, and I think that's sufficient. I'm going back to bed.

I hope you all had fun doing what you did tonight, and I hope that if you're in pain, it'll be better, and if you're not in pain, then I hope you don't have to feel any for as long as humanly possible.

Loving you all,
J.H.

Life's the Enemy

2005-09-19T19:26:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's wrong anymore. When did it start, how did it happen?

All I know, is that I'm sick of the same thing. I'm sick of pretending. It was easier to not feel so trapped when Mom was here, or Crystal. But...they aren't here.

I miss mom so much. It's hard to think about sometimes, and the only thought that keeps me sane around here, is that she'll be home in about a month and a half.

I hate pretending that everything's ok with dad. It's so clear that it's not. But then again, he's too blind to see that his children's orientation isn't exactly straight, and he's pracitcally read that on paper.

I don't know where today ends and tomorrow begins, and I don't know what minute has passed or where it's going. It's so futile anymore, that I just try to focus on school, and enjoying the activity's that I can do.

Suzie's gonna be gone for about nine days. Brother's wedding I think. So there that goes.

Myra and I...we didn't talk about what happened...but I was being civil towards her. I know that in my eyes, she made a mistake but..for the sake of everyone, and even for ourselves, I think I shouldn't let that taint my vision of her. She's still an awesome person.

Mom says she's getting tired of the monotony. Welcome to my life. I have a few ideas for her. She could try scrapbooking, or writing letters, or going out to new places, or starting some sort of project. There's tons she can do, and I hope she finds something to occupy her time.

Crystal says she's doing fine. But then again, when has that statement rung true for her. Something like this...it can't bring good for her. I know there will be other relationships in her life (to quote my mother) but this one...was special...was crucial. At least to her. And I would agree. In the times of college, especially being in her position, Myra was like her life. Her anchor, her motivation behind every single F****** thing she did. It got her through the day. What with the upcoming Homecoming Dance, that she and Myra had made plans to. Now...well..now it's gone. I don't know who she has held onto so far. Andy I think, but I hope something or someone good happens to her to take things in a different direction. Preferrably in a positive one.

I'm still writing my stories. They're not getting posted until I have at least four chapters written, and then I'll post them one at a time, for leisure. I hope it's good, and I sent a copy of the first chapter of my story to Dawn, to look at. She is after all, an English teacher, my friend, and a certain someone's "Mistress" (she knows who she is)

I have no lunch money. Grr. My stomach is growling, but I know I can make it at least a few more weeks before I ask for more. Dad doesn't need to be asked for any right now. He's got enough on his mind. I can deal. It's not like my belly fat can't feed me for a few weeks. I've got enough of it.

Anyway on that subject, I'm still walking. I don't remember if I mentioned that yet, but if I haven't I still am. Also reading too. I've begun that back again. I've just finished Star Trek: Spirti Walk, Old Wounds, Book Two. I know for sure that the authoress (Christie Golden) will be publishing another, and I'm trying to look out for that one. It's a really really good story so far, and I can't put it down. She's a great author and I can only hope to be as good as her someday.

Well, I'm tired, and worn. I gotta go to bed. I love you all and I wish you a good night.

Love,
Jere

Today

2005-09-16T13:41:00.000-07:00

Alright, from now on, I guess I'm going to stop using the "f " word so much, per instructions by....someone. Instead I shall be using "Effing" lol.

Anyway, on with the other stuff.

Andy stopped by the high school today, right at the end of the day. He is so effing thin! I didn't know he'd lost so much weight. I'm suprised Crystal didn't tell me. I'm kind of jealous...even if I've only started working at it, he's so thin. I couldn't believe it.

On that subject...when he came, Myra tottally blew me off like I didn't matter to her. I think that it was because of our fight...but...I can't be sure why she'd still be mad at me for that. She looks so tired and drained. I just wish I'd never said anything to her. That way maybe I'd still be as important to her as Andy. Maybe I'm over-reacting, because she might have just been happy to see a friend she doesn't get to very often...but I don't know. Maybe I worry too much. Over-analyze.

Today is the day dad and I travel down to lawrence to go to Crystal's college family weekend. I have no homework that isn't easy and I'm glad. I don't need that ontop of going to some event. But I am glad that I'll be seeing Crystal!!! We'll talk and work things out and all that stuff.

I'm still walking every night...although I'm seeing a little bit of result, I still want to work harder. Andy's weight loss inspired me. Iff he can get that done in so little time from graduation, then so can I. It's so wierd, cause I'm used to seeing him in one way and then he shows up another. I wish my changes would hurry up and be as drastic!!! Oh well...the best things come to those who wait for it right?

Today the constitution assembly was just as I expected. Cheap, corny, and uninteresting. Laurelin was a man in the show. lol. She had to wrap her boobs to her chest.

Kori dyed her hair brown! It looks good, but it takes some getting used to. Like when Robin dyed her hair brown after we were used to it being blonde. But the way she wears it is so CUTE!!! She's always so adorable now...but she's still trying to work out in her mind what she believes about God and stuff.

Home life is still alright. I think I might have to mow the big big lawn sometime soon. I hope I don't have to though because that takes me about 3 hours every effing time. I enjoy the thinking time but that is what my walks are for (aside from losing wieght!)

I haven't heard from Grandma Carol in a while, and I was hoping we could all go do something, but I'm not sure what her schedule is. I love grandma carol (Random I know) and Clara!!!

School's alright. Today in journalism we did absolutely NOTHING! It was so boring. If I didn't have any friends in that class I'd effing die. Biology is killing me. It's kind of dumb, and I don't even get it. It's pretty pointless to me I think. Also geometry, we actually did something cool today. There are these number sheets that she gives us, and they're puzzles that you have to use clues to fill in the blanks. It's really time-consuming, but in a fun way. I wonder if they make books of them...like crossword puzzles...oh wait, I'm starting to sound like a geek!

Emily came in to school late this morning. She looked like hell. Excuse me, but that's the only way I can put it. It's looking like she isn't going to get over Alex anytime soon. Her hair was all ratty and messed up, and she was wearing sunglasses, and the sun wasn't out, and she wore jeans that were a few days old, rumpled. I feel really bad for her. Alex really needs to be killed. I know he didn't think about her...but when do they ever when they're in the middle of breaking your heart? Months of her life were wasted because of him, and she can never get them back.

Speaking of love lives, I don't have one. Lol, obvious yes, but I just thought I'd let you all know....again...

Well, I better be off people. Dad should be coming home, and I haven't even started packing yet!!!! *YIKES*

Loving you all,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Jeremie

I'm really tired

2005-09-15T19:06:00.000-07:00

I'm really tired. I got back from my walk not too long ago. I ran the last leg of it. I know I shouldn't be this tired, but somehow I am. It's so wierd. I think I'm going to read a few chapters in my book and then go to bed.

Anyway, school's going ok. Although tomorrow we're having a messed up schedule because of some stupid constitution play thingy. It's going to be dumb.

Creative writing is picking up, along with newspaper. Which is really good, otherwise I would have had to go and complained to the teachers or the office or something. We did story starters in creative writing, which was kind of pointless because it didn't even make a good story starting process. Mine are much better. In newspaper I'm currently covering O.C.C points, and also a movie review: Red eye. I loved that movie. But anyway. In geometry we did a test review today, which I guess means that we have a test coming up pretty soon here. Which..I probably won't study for. French 2 is fucking hard. We had this packet this week and I barely got any of it done. It sucked. I hated it so badly. Newby's biology class is having a sub tomorrow. I'm starting to see why my mother hated Biology so much. It's kind of pointless. In Hutter's english class, we're reading "Lord of the Flies"....yeah...don't expect to see that one on my favorite's list anytime soon.

Home life today wasn't so bad. Dad came home at a decent time, and he cooked steak. I helped peel the potatoes (not by choice of course) and then I went back downstairs to watch Will & Grace. But then *Gasp* My fucktard television was being really dumb, and that channel didn't come in. So therefore, I didn't get to watch my will & Grace. After the fabulous dinner of Steak, I went out for a walk. I'm really proud of myself for keeping up with it for this long. I also think I'm starting to see a little bit of results. Could be my imagination, but oh well, a guy could dream right?

This friday is Crystal's Family Weekend thing. It's supposed to be fun, and we are going to a concert on friday. A Performing arts group or whatever. I think that will be a good time. Plus I miss Crys like no other.

I think myra's pissed at me. I sort of got into it with her a while back, and now it doesn't feel the same....oh well, I'll get over it.

Oh! Mom called today! It was fun. We talked for like an hour. It was a good time and it kept me distracted for a while. Which is always good. I miss her like crazy and can't wait for her to come home.

Anyway, as the title says, I'm really tired. So people I'm going to bed.

love you all,
Jeremie

Well...wtf?

2005-09-14T17:23:00.000-07:00

This is so fucking stupid. I'm so...I don't know...angry. Crystal and Myra are going through a rough patch right now. Or at least that's what it would seem. See I don't know and they don't know. Why? Lack of fucking communication. God damn. If only Myra wasn't so god damn stubborn.

I'm worried. Because if this ends, then something great, and wonderful, and really influential in my life will have ended. The same goes for them. The world it seems, or at least our worlds, will have lost something great. I hope Myra fucking realizes that.

It's just so stressful, to both me and Crystal. I know I shouldn't be bothering myself with it, that I should wait it out, on the sidelines while they do what they need to....but I just...can't. I'm Crystal's brother and that makes me feel like I got some sort of duty to her...to her happiness...to her relationship.

Maybe I'm just being dumb. I don't know. I'm just so fucking tired of life right now. I can't seem to escape things. I know it sounds so god damn selfish of me....but I can't just...keep going on empty. It seems like nothing keeps me happy anymore. Like my life is falling to shreds.

I hate to admit this. But I'm starting to think that Crystal was right when she told me I couldn't handle things alone. I remember what she said. "I'm scared to go to college. Not for myself but for you. I worry about you Jeremie. I worry about how you'll handle yourself with me and mom gone. All you're going to have is dad and Robin. That's it. I'm not going to be able to be here for you like I have."

Everything's fine except me. I'm holding up in school, cause shit that's easy. I'm holding up a relationship with my father, and I'm keeping up with housework. It's just me. Was that what she meant when she left? That she feared I would go back to being a recluse like I used to be? That I would crumble without some sort of support system, that only she and mom and friends have been able to provide for me? Two out of three is gone from that support system, in the immediate vicinity. What does that make me then? Weak?

I told her I could do it. I told her I can handle things plenty fine on my own. I can. and I try.

Thanks for lettin me vent people.

Jere

Somebody save me

2005-09-12T18:20:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone. I'm updating again. It's for the sake of Crystal mostly. Anyway I'm tired. I feel like writing though. Haven't eaten a thing, which is ok since I'm fat enough.

I just feel kinda down and I don't know why. It's so wierd. I had to go outside and smoke a cigerette just to feel better. It doesn't matter though, there's people worse off out there than me.

I don't have much to report. I barely have anything to do for school, and if creative writing doesn't start picking itself off it's ass, then I'll think about transferring. It's bullshit. We haven't written anything yet and I'm starting to get tired of writing on worksheets about "Sensory Details" and "Feeling Sheet" It's all the same drabble.

Home is alright. I gotta mow the damn lawn again. The grass is growing faster than a fire grows with wood. It's fucking tiring. I just decided to fuck my walk this evening. I didn't feel like walking tonight. But I'm making up for it by not eating. So I don't feel so bad. Dad's still at church so it's not like he'll ever know.

Nothing in my love life. Big suprise there. I'm not even sure my friends are there to sustain me anymore. I know Tarin is, all the damn way. But she's got goof now. They're happy together. It might not just be me, and the days are getting lonelier. And colder, god damn you cheap bastard turn on the heat. Oh never mind.

I know this was short, but like I said, not much to report. I will talk to anyone who wanted to later. Goodnight, Goodbye.

Love,
Jeremie

Pictured: Eliza Dukashu, Tru Calling

I'm updating Ho

2005-09-08T20:17:00.000-07:00

Ain't my family a bunch o' tough looking bitches? Well except Uncle James. He a stoner. They never fight. Unless you take their bong away. Then you better run the fuck away. But the rest of them are...Except for Randi...and...Jake. But seriously, the rest of them. Are. lol.

Anyway, I'm getting off subject. I'm updating hoes, be effing happy.

I'm doing ok pretty much. I've been doing a walking routine every single effing day. Twice back and forth up the straight rode and once on the side road. I run the side road home. God that fucking kills me. I'm seeing improvments I think though. So it's all good. I got the idea from when Crystal said she was loosing weight like a mo'fo when walking.

Home life is alright. Althouh, dad keeps telling me he can't wait for me to settle down with a nice christian woman. I'm like uh...no. And tonight over the pizza box, he was like "Jeremie, please, I hope you'll do better in life than me. Get a better job, lots more money, a good wife, good kids." And as I smile and nod, I think..."Do you honestly know how many things were wrong with that sentence?

School is ok. I barely get anymore homework that I take seriously. Whenever I do get homework it's usually from Mrs. Johnson and I usually just finish it in other classes.

I'm in the beginnings of writing a novel-sized story I hope. It's just about...well stuff that's happened to me I guess. I'm postin it on my freewebs account. I've only got the first chapter done but I think it's a pretty good start. I love writing. Oh and speaking of which, tomorrow in creative writing, we're finally starting to do some serious pieces. Thank the queer lord jesus for that. And journalism is finally starting to try and get the stories and photos done.

So, anyway, I'm writing emails to mom and Dawn, and I'm having fun (as much as I can in this suck-ass place) and I'm trying to get through each day.

(P.S. I don't think it's just me, but it seems like Kendra comes in wearing a different hair style everyday, and if she could a different color. She died it dark dark brown, and she either curls or it or wears it straight or whatever. It's irritating...i'm not so sure it even looks good.)

Well, I gotta go, but I hope you all enjoyed this update. Thanks again Lezzies and Mo's bitches and hoes.

Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Jere

Hello

2005-09-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

What's up ladies and Gentleladies? I'm just hangin out in my room and checkin my email and all of that good stuff.

Not much to report here. It's really boring in Rose Hill Kansas and especially since this weekend, I'm going to another stupid fucking football game. I hate the damn things. You just sit there and listen to the cheers and yells of those stupid people (most of the time ugly) and you watch some big jock fucks run around on a field touching eachother and pushing eachother and all that shit. It's fucking dumb and I hate it.

Anyway, allergies (or cold or whatever, haven't figured it out) is kicking my sorry ass. I'm sniffling and sneezing and have watery eyes and a huge fucking headache. I just am into relaxing right now, because it's one of the only things I can do without making it worse.

Myra and I went over to suzies. She got a new couch, which matches her old love seat. Now she has a three seater couch with that old two seater to the right, up against the window. We had a good time. As soon as we got there, we popped in "Monster in Law" and watched it up until Myra was like, "Og, we gotta go, before it gets to the good part, cause if it does get to the good part I will be forced to stay and watch it." We got java and I gave myra gas money, some of which she used on cigerettes. I had even asked her to split the gas money with me cause I was running lower than her, and she was like "No I gotta get cigs"

Tomorrow I have an eyeglasses appointment and dad is forcing me to wake up at the usual 6/6:30 time. It fucking sucks. He's all, "You're only getting thirty more minutes of sleep." I'm like, so, dude that's fucking precious to me. Oh well, at least I don't have an 8:30 lecutre...lol. Love you crys.

Gotta roll out, Holla atcha later playa.

Signed,
A Fabulous Gay Man,
Jere

Yayness for Gayness!

2005-08-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone! How are my lovelies today? I hope you all are fine and well...Anyway, My momma's birthday is coming up (september first I do believe) and I have yet to get her a present *Yikes!* I don't know what to get her...what a hard lesbian to figure out.

Right now, I'm bored out of my fucking skull. Tomorrow is late start so I don't have to go to bed until I feel like it. Which suits me cause I like the internet. I just downloaded the latest yahoo messenger, which is pretty friggin awesome if I do say so myself. I haven't had a chance to really, really explore it, but I'm sure it will turn out just as good as the obvious changes.

In school, I hate Geometry with a fiery passion, but I am starting to understand it a tiny, tiny, little, bit better. I think. And Biology of course sucks already because of Newby (the weird freak) and not only that, but we're learning the metric system. Which is tottally pointless. But who am I to argue with the school system...hell I already got expelled once for printing "libel" information in a derrogitory (spelling?) letter. Yeah. I'm bad.

Um...Home life is ok, but i've now spent the last two nights for three to four hours on the lawn mower getting bit up by them damn 'skeetos. They suck. Stupid west nile. I'LL KILL YOU! Or in Myra's lisping thingy: I'll Kiwl You! lol. Sorry Crys and My, I just had to.

Things are lonely without crystal here (much as it pains me to say it) And School is harder for Myra now. She misses having her girlfriend to walk with everyday to class, and to help her with her homework and to make-out with right under our father's nose. But That's a completely different blog post, ladies and gentle-ladies.

So that's about it for now...I'm bored...did I mention that?

I must have.
Anyway.

Loving you all,

Jere

LoL, HOMOPHOBES BEWARE!!!

2005-08-23T17:07:00.000-07:00

Alright, ladies and gentle-ladies, here's a couple of pics from the most fabulous writer in the world. They're not of her, so watch out..*giggles* you'll see.

Anyway, I'm doing fine. I just got my restricted today, because my dad went on this dreadful marathon, where this one guy died in his arms. I felt bad after hearing that. Makes you think don't it.

I met a new friend this week! That fabulous writer, forementioned. She's good. But she writes slash (boy/boy) so if you don't like it too bad for you. lol. She seems cool, and she's got a lot goin for her. Like she's british, she's into slash, she's lesbian...see, she's great already! I must be her first fanboy though cause she seemed kind of suprised. I was suprised that she didn't think her work was any good. But I love it!

I myself am writing a fic, that's pretty dark for my usual tastes, but I hear from people that it's good, and I am trying to get updates out quicker than I normally would care to. It's wierd, though because it's my first Non-fanfiction to be posted. There will be more, some slash, some not, but right now I can only focus on one thing at a time.

Speaking of things to focus on, GEOMETRY SUCKS! I'm failing because my teacher is stupid and doesn't know how to take notes. She won't even be helpful unless we come early or stay after school...grr...Biology is ok, but it has the potential to get on my nerves...so.
Other than that, all the rest of my classes seem to be doing fine. As long as I just get through the day

Anyway, gotta head out, people,

Loving you all,
Signed a Fabulous Gay Man,

Jere

Well, I'm updating, Woot Woot

2005-08-18T14:13:00.000-07:00

Friends-

Hey guys, I guess it's been a long while since I updated. Anyway not a lot has been really happening to me...um Sophomore year has started and I'm in most of the classes I wanted for the semester thank god. Speaking of school, I get my restricted tonight hopefully, and so I'll be able to drive to school from now on. I'm using my dad's old junker car, but we're looking for one so that he doesn't have to drive our other family car, A.K.A the Gas Hog. That way I can have my own car and he can have his that doesn't take up too much gas. I'm hoping we find one really quickly.
Well, there's only one class I don't like, and that's biology with newby...well I lied, there's two. And that's geometry with Johnson. Now I know some of you reading this don't have a fucking clue what I'm talking about but whatever, it's my blog, lol.

Sorry this entry is short and not as colorful (which I thought I did a nice job on by the way) but I'm limited on time. We're about to leave to get the restricted, so talk to ya'lls later.

love ya, *kissses*

2005-07-13T14:06:00.000-07:00

Is that not one of the hottest things you have ever seen? I think it is. Anyway, I just got bored, and decided to play around, you know? This is one of the end results.
So, How is everyone? Good I hope. I'm waiting for something to happen, anything that'll change the mundane routine that some would call my life. But basically what that means, is there is not a problem here.
You know, I really need to get into shape...it's been working OK so far, but I need to kick it up. Oh, speaking of gagging, my dad's making me go to church camp...I love god and everything, but the people at my church annoy me, and also, it's hotter than fuck out there.
In other news, There are new neighbors across the street from my driveway and it's a family of two parents and two teens....boys...both of them....enough said.
Moving on, my sister got a package in the mail today from my mother. That royally pissed me off because she always gets the call from mom, the email from mom, and now the gifts from mom. I say suck on it bitches.
Now that I have completely moved around the ENTIRE color pallete, I think I might stop this entry...trust me, being fun wears you out...So love you all, *kiss all around* :D

Lovers & Friends

2005-06-29T19:34:00.000-07:00

Lol, I am listening to that song right now. Anyway, I've been looking for a penpal lately. or an email buddy, whatever you call it. I find it interesting to just talk randomly to someone unattached, to everything in my life. Cause it makes things better. I had better go though, I have run out of things to write about lol...

Evanescence

2005-06-23T16:20:00.000-07:00

perfect by nature
icons of self indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that
never was and never will be
have you no shame
don't you see me
you know you've got everybody fooled
look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she
never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled
without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself lost in your lie i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore
it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool

because I am.

Dare I say it? looks left, then right My life is coming together, again.

2005-06-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

Well, guys. I think it's happening. My life is coming into place...after everything that went wrong. I won't tell you all how (as to not jinx it) but I am going to meet someone. You all know what that means...a date. Anyway, another thing is, my stories are really popular on FanFiction.net. Today alone I must have gotten about 25 reviews in my mail. I am not kidding, I just checked it. So, That's all good. And most of my friends don't hate me I think, and we all seem to be doing the same thing: Re-inventing ourselves. You know the usual: losing wieght, changing hair, wardrobe, the whole works. So, for me that's going good. I don't know what it is, that has changed, but I hope it doesn't go away. The only bad thing about my life right now, is I still have moments during the day when I'll do or say something, and then it'll trigger a memory about alex and me. Then those thoughts turn to ones about how dumb and hurt I was. Oh well, I can't live in the past now can I? Talk to you all later.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wake up and smell the coffee, cause it's here, it's hot, and it's black.

-Jack, Will &Grace.

It's all good

2005-06-06T09:44:00.000-07:00

I'm back home. I am writing, and feeling good. This summer as I may have said before, is all about changing myself. So, Anyway, I will write more later, but for now, I have to stick to my loyal fanfic readers. Love you all, and laur I was going to get a "greatest journal" but didn't feel like it at the moment. love ya *kisses*

I'm Getting the Piss Annoyed out of me.

2005-06-04T00:59:00.000-07:00

Like the title says, I'm getting the piss annoyed out of me once again, by none other than tom. You don't spend twenty-four seven, two weeks in a row, with him and not have this happen to you. Like I said, I am the new me now, and this isn't going to fly. Fuck that shit. I'm about to ask him if he thinks he's better than me. If he says yes, then I'm going to tell him that I don't waste my time with people who think they're better than me, and that's when I'll cut the ties. I don't want to, but sometimes, I just fuckin get tired of all his shit. So there we have it folks. Anyway onto less depressing factors of my life. I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!! I haven't spent enough time with them since school let out. I am sorry for that. So, when I get back home, I can properly begin my diet and excercise regime. This is going to be great. This summer, I will completely transform. I am going to love it. So see you all my sophomore year. :D Well it's like three in the morning, so I am heading off to bed. Alright? love yas. night

*kisses*

hey all

2005-05-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

I'm fine, at my gma's house. so gotta go tom's here

The Worst Dream Ever

2005-05-17T16:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the worst dream ever. I was typing online, and telling laurelin (on her "alex" account) that she should be sorry, because I got hurt. And then, All of the sudden she got online, except it wasn't her. It was alex. It was a real live alex. And he said what are you talking about? I didn't know it wasn't laur, so I immediately told her that she knows full damn well what she did, and that it wasn't funny to keep signing in to her alex account. I cussed her out. Then Alex turned on a video camera and showed me his face. It was just as described. Black hair, Beautiful sparkling blue eyes, and a look of utter sorrow on his face. I gasped in horror. I typed my apologies, but he wouldn't take them. I had just ruined the best relationship in my life. I woke up in a cold sweat. It took forever to get back to sleep but when I finally did, the dream reoccured, except after he gave me his look of dissapointment, I looked beyond him in his camera and saw laurelin behind him with a knife. I tried yelling out but his camera didn't take audio, and I tried typing but my hands refused to move. She moved ever closer, and then she took the final plunge, then again, and again and again, and the blood splattered all over the screen and she just sat there and smiled. Oh it was awful. What does this mean? Will these dreams happen every night?? I hope not.

Bittersweet

2005-05-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

You know, I miss it. The feeling that I know someone loves me...that's a huge thing that mad me so angry...was because I thought that I had someone, someone out there who loved me for me romantically, and that i could call baby, and send good morning emails to, and I miss it. I don't know what laur was thinking when she did what she did...but I hope her intent wasn't to hurt me like this. But never-the-less she did. She played with my emotions...she played with my heart. And if any one knows me, they know that my heart is a serious matter, and not something to fuck with. So was she doing me a favor? By letting me think I was loved? even if through cruelty, and only for a day and a half. I don't know. It's one of life's mysteries I guess.
What can I do? I just have to try to move on. continue to be the open hearted Jere I was. It is going to hurt like hell for a while and we will never forget it and I May never trust Laure again but it's times like these we learn a little more about each other.

My fucked up life

2005-05-16T14:07:00.000-07:00

Today was the most fucked up day I could have had...ever. If you have been reading my posts, then you would know that I have just started dating this "guy" named "Alex" well guess what? Alex doesn't exist. It was one of my nearest and dearest friends playing a cruel and unwarranted trick on me. Although this isn't the first time I've had heartbreak in my life, it is the first time, when I don't know if I can recover. Ok, I know what you're thinking, you only knew the dude for a few days it couldn't have been that bad. But, alas dear friends, it could. That friend, knew me inside and out, and she used that to her advantage. She knows I adore guys with black hair, and blue eyes, and so she made Alex have black hair and blue eyes. She knew I liked my guys to be shorter than me, so I could hold them more easy, and she made Alex be shorter than me. She knows my likes, my dislikes, she knows everything about me, and she used it against me, like a weapon of mass cruelty. That's what I like to refer to it as. Here let's do an exercise together before moving on shall we?
Imagine a very good friend of yours. Now, picture your friend online, and then you develop this plan...this trick...and so you think it will be funny, and you pretend to be someone else. You pretend to be someone that fits their description of a perfect romantic interest. So you let them fall into the trap. You ask them to tell you all about their life, and their deepest secrets, and everything. Then, the next day you take it a step further. You ask them out, whilst pretending to be this fake person. Then the next day, you go to school, and pretend everything is ok. You laugh with them, and talk with them, and lunch time rolls around, and so you decide to tell them, but not after humiliating them first. So you ask " Come on, tell us about this new person, we really want to know how things are going with him/her!" And your friend, unsuspecting, answers you, making it sound all romantic, and tells everyone how great of a person he is. Then, even after that, you don't care about their feelings. You go straight for the kill. "Guess what?" you say. "I'm that person you were just talking about. All that was fake. I just wanted to see how far you would go."
Would you do that to your friend?

Well that's exactly what happened to me. The most unexpected, most unwanted, not needed, attack on my feelings someone has ever made. And I let it happen. I was vulnerable you know? I let my gaurd down for a split second, thinking, hey people aren't so bad out there, and then WHAM! My heart, my feelings, my....dignity...it's all gone. I feel empty inside...like there's flesh but no soul. A Deep Betrayal is the worst you can feel. I just hope that the person involved knows the gravity of her actions. I hope she knows how much she has hurt me...I hope she knows how much she has killed me. I mean sure I might have said some mean things about her before, but doing this was the worst thing imaginable, I just wish that she would have confronted me about it instead of playing this joke. But...the two worst parts about this is...I told her on the phone how happy I was and how perfect it was and how it was so perfect that I can't help but think that maybe one of my friends was playing a cruel joke on me, and then I said, but no, I know not one of my friends would do that. And she just replied: yeah. I mean she could have stopped at any point, but she took it a hell of a lot further than she should have.

The second thing that kills me is, that I am so gullable. I mean think about it. She tricked me from the inside out, and I just allowed her to do that! I mean...geez, how dumb can I get? Oh but the real thing that pissed me off, was that she used names from her fucking stories that she writes. Then at the lunch table she expected me to know that...but I don't read her stories, so I wouldn't know. Sorry laur i just don't read them.

So now, as I sit here in my room typing this, my soul as black as night, and my heart as hard as ice, I know that it's going to take me a long time to learn to trust people again, because you never know what son of a bitch will kill your heart and laugh at you next.

The Best Birthday Gift ever Given

2005-05-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

Last night I recieved the best birthday gift ever given. I got asked out by mistunderstood (A.K.A. Alex) So yeah now we're dating, and it made me the happiest person on the face of the planet. I learned that he was planning on asking me all day since morning time, and I had wanted to ask him, but I was nervous that it was too soon. So I emailed him and asked him his feelings about me, and then he got on yahoo messenger, and we were talking casually, and then he checked his email. Oh my stomach was in knots when he said he was checking his email. Then he messaged me, saying: so you want to know my feelings right? and I of course said yes. And he said the most wonderful things (won't go into details, haha) but long story short, we started dating last night. I am so glad, and even though it has only been a short amount of time, i know that it feels so right. I mean, I feel such a major connection to him. (I know I might be repeating myself) I mean we've only known eachother for a few days and we're dating. When I'm with him I'm the happiest I've been in forever, and when I'm away from him I am constantly thinking of getting back to him. It's all so surreal. I once even thought that it might be my friends playing a trick on me, or that he was some internet stalker that found out stuff about me and then contacted me...be really, I don't think any of those are true. So that leads to the subject of meeting. It's a bit early to start thinking about that, but I can't help it. Of course I'm sure my sis and mom and all my friends will come with me, and it will be a public place...but it's all up to him, when we meet. well anyway, I am so lucky and I know it from the bottom of my heart. LOVE YOU ALEX!!!!!

Jeremie

My Birthday Party was today

2005-05-14T14:55:00.000-07:00

My birthday party was today. It was...ok. Don't get me wrong, the people I invited, had a great time, and I love them, and I loved the movie we went to see, and the decorations, and all of that, was what it was supposed to be. Except for the gifts. I mean, usually, my party is fun and we always start out with chatting and what not, then we move on to the gifts. Everyone is always there, around the table to see me open my gifts, and ok, I don't mind that there weren't that many this year, and that all I got was money (because I did ask for money) it's that my dad and mom weren't here to celebrate me. And that is what a birthday is. Is to celebrate someone's life. So, the people that gave me life, the two most essential people in my life, were not there for most of it. Ok, so my mom is in Iraq and didn't have a choice, but my dad did. I love him, but sometimes I just can't help disliking him. All I want to do is just talk to alex. He would make me feel better. But whatever, I'm tired and I have to clean up. Love ya. *kisses*

Tonight I met him

2005-05-13T21:10:00.000-07:00

Tonight I met him. The most wonderful guy on the planet. He is so sweet, and so kind, and he has a great sense of humor. He just makes me feel so wonderful, and I don't want that feeling to go away. Anyway, Tomorrow is my b-day party, and I can't wait! It's going to be so much fun! Well I guess I am done with my entry and whatever, so talk to you all later

love ya *kisses*

My day and future days ahead of me

2005-05-11T19:19:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone, I am so excited! My birthday party is coming up soon! I can't wait because I asked for 90% of my gifts to be money so I could go shopping! I really want some new clothes, and god knows I need them. Today I looked horrible. I don't even want to talk about it. Anyway graduation for my sister is coming up soon and I can't wait for that either. I am about to go work out since I am badly losing the weight loss war, but anyway we won't talk about that. I gotta go...love ya *kisses*

Starting this new blog thingy

2005-05-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

Well hello everyone, I am just starting this thing, and well, it's been a little wierd. Well okay, so it's not, but hey I'm a gay guy, I can lie if I feel like it. Anyway I used to post on this other blogging system, but I decided to switch or at least start a new one, because well hey it looked fun. I was just searching for some info on weather or not Anthony Federov of American Idol is a big flaming mo when, I stumbled upon this blogging system. So today for me was fine, I mean school is school right? and I actually looked good today, probably because I picked out my outfit the night before. I don't want to get too gay so I won't describe my outfit. Anyway if you didn't know, I got the title of my blog from "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, because I love, absolutely positively love Lindsey Lohan, even though most of my friends despise her. So yeah, on to my school. Where I go, your either hot or your not, and being cool has got nothing to do with it. You know everyone because it's about a medium sized school, and also, the drama people are always taking control of everything...how do I know? because I'm one of them. Being in Drama at my school is like being in the plastics (mean girls, also a lindsey lohan movie) People just know stuff about you, and we always look hot. So, I hate my face though. Well my friends say I am hot, so I guess I look ok, but this summer, I am losing hella weight, and coloring my hair, and getting plenty of new clothes. My sister, is like The Queen Bee. She is like the Regina George of Rose Hill High, ok she makes some different decisions, but her clique and her wardrobe, and attitude, are about the same. Okay so she is more human than Regina, you know a little better, but other than having better morals she could be plastic. Well anyway I am going to get going, my dad's coming home soon and I am going to cook dinner. Love ya *kisses*

Confessions Of a Teenage Gay Queen

A New Lease on Life.

As only Love can do

Not a boy, Not yet a man

And it's so beautiful when the boy smiles...

Between the Lines

Shattered

It's all in my head.

Come Round Soon

Heal me

Turpentine -Brandi Carlile

This one's Gonna Hurt Like Hell

Open your Mind

Dear World

Life in the Fabulous Lane

Pump It

I'm two faced, but don't worry, both faces are pretty

Oh Dear.

Who's Having the Best Week Ever?

There's bound to be some drama...

In the Pursuit of Happyness

A Queer New Year

Love hurts in the variety of those who feel it in the Unrequited

Fairy Power

And all that Jazz...

I just move on

Testing - 1,2,3

These are my confessions

Halloween - eck

Fall is here!

Breakdown

Come on Barbie Let's Go Party! OH OH OH YEAH

Indulge Yourself.

Pieces of Me

It's a Big Gay World

Planner

Day 11

Thirty Days - Day two

Thirty Days

Thinking

Me, Myself, and a Mirror

The Shape of Things

Updating

What of it...

Updating

I fucking hate my dad...

New Journal...I know I'm a journal whore

Been a Long Time

I'm updating, to keep you all in the loop.

Feeling It

Life's the Enemy

Today

I'm really tired

Well...wtf?

Somebody save me

I'm updating Ho

Hello

Yayness for Gayness!

LoL, HOMOPHOBES BEWARE!!!

Well, I'm updating, Woot Woot

Lovers & Friends

Evanescence

Dare I say it? *looks left, then right* My life is coming together, again.

It's all good

I'm Getting the Piss Annoyed out of me.

hey all

The Worst Dream Ever

Bittersweet

My fucked up life

The Best Birthday Gift ever Given

My Birthday Party was today

Tonight I met him

My day and future days ahead of me

Starting this new blog thingy

Dare I say it? looks left, then right My life is coming together, again.